In rehab I met a woman 9 months pregnant. A heroin user. I always wondered if the baby (she lost to CPS?) would be ok.
I'd love resources or advice. Could her baby survive a healthy life?? She always said if only I quit sooner he'd be healthy. Is that true?
This subject has been brought up lot to me and I have no answers. Is a pregnant user going to have a damaged hurting baby no matter what? Does the trimester matter?
Peace-J
If you pray, please do so for her and her son. Thanks!
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2016
Victories-Come in Many Shapes & Sizes
Life issues can come at us from different perspectives, no matter what they are. For example, I won $10 on a $2 Lottery ticket. I only won $10 vs. I have $8 more than I did a few minutes ago.
I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.
Here is that word again. FEAR.
Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.
Victories.
Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!
I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.
Here is that word again. FEAR.
Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.
Victories.
Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!
Friday, September 18, 2015
Little Magic Pill
I found myself asking the questions that I have asked for years, how do people quit? What is the key? Is there a little magic pill?
Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.
Does this mean that Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.
My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point. Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict. OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said.
I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to.
There is just so so much more involved in recovery.
While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.
If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)
~J
Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.
Does this mean that Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.
My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point. Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict. OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said.
I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to.
There is just so so much more involved in recovery.
While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.
If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)
~J
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Smacksomnia
As shitty as it is not sleeping coming off dope, it's the least hard of them all.'them all' meaning all other attempts.
Here's y:
1 my man
2 my man
3down to 20
4 valium
5 my man
6xanax
7 adderrall
8 my man
9 hope in the form of my son.
10 hope in the form of my daughter
I FUCKING HATE DOPE SICKNESS! BUT THIS IS IT. MY GUT TELLS ME I'M DONE NOW. Like really done.
I know I haven't written about it, but I met an amazing man. A real man. I told him it's like Pretty Woman middle class ;)....
Not alot of junkies get this chance.
What I really need is two valium a 12 ,minute walk and to F*** my man something epic.--- after all he has endured a LOT w me.
I really would like to encourage comments on this post. Those of u who have made it outta the trap, or anyone who cares enough to hot a little word.
Please feel free in your comments to request something from me in return.I'm more than willing.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Kindness: A Free Gift
This post is a bit off topic in a manner, but I believe it to be an important observation in the world of addiction and recovery that I have made over the last 6 months or so.
Addicts and people associated with, have shown me to be a very unique 'cyber culture'.
I get very few comments on my blogs, but I know that I have readers, and repeat readers. Not only from the states, but all around the world.
This alone says that the topic of opiates, the lifestyle associated with, and the details of detoxing are all of interest.
What I am specifically compelled to share is the amount of personal correspondance that has come my way. Even of more interest to me is the diversity of people and their situations that reach out to comment on my blog.
The emails that touch me the most are the ones that come from parents of heroin users and other opiate addicts. The essence of the messages are that they are thankful for my openess because it helps them understand what their own children are going through.
Some of the parent's words have nearly brought me to tears. Partly because of what they are going through watching their own children. Primarily because I can identify with the stories they tell me. I AM that child. Which brings me to the saddest realization for me. My father. My Mother. My family. My heart breaks when I think of the worry I have put them through. My father has stood by my side, and modeled for me what unconditional love for ones child is. So many times I have wished I could quit if ONLY for him. To shield him from pain.
I snap back to reality and remember that I can't stay sober for him. I cannot do it for my children. I have to do it for me. Talk about a 'trap'.
I have built a friendship with a girl across the globe who is struggling with her boyfriends heroin addiction. We were able to speak freely regarding our different perspectives on addiction. She was able to share with me what her perception of a drug addict was before she dated one, and how it changed after. Her boyfriend did not fit the mold of what she thought an addict was supposed to be like. "He was a normal person." In other words, he did not fit the description believed by many people who do not have direct contact with persons addicted to drugs.
In my opinion the only characteristic that addicts all share is a deep rooted pain, masked or comforted that with an addictive substance. My gut tells me that a good majority of addicts are 'normal people', who never intended to walk into the world of hell that is addiction.
As far as my lovely global friend, the ability to share with each other our pain and our experiences helped open my heart up, and for that I am glad.
As an addict, I myself often only think of my own pain and suffering. I am sad that I over look the billions of people who also suffer for simply loving and caring for an addict. My life is very lonely right now. The quantity of people that surround me does not seem to diminish the loneliness.
What does satiate the pain to some degree, is the feedback I receive by telling my story. It's the one sentence from a stranger that reminds me I have provided a ray of hope- if even only one. It's the friendly check up comment. The one that tells me somewhere in this world someone thought of me, prayed for me, wondered about me.
What a strange thing to find comfort in right?
Please continue your comments and feedback. If you feel words tug at your heart strings, and if you contemplate posting a comment, I encourage you to follow through. I believe it is a powerful force of hope for suffering people.
Please take a moment to read the post by my fellow blogger Chelsie Charmed. Thank you for the encouragement to speak out about the importance of feedback! You can check out Chelsie's post on this topic through this link.
http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/2014/07/is-there-anybody-out-there.html
A little kindness can go a long long way. You never know whose day you brightened, and how that in turn may effect many others along the way.
Peace-J
Addicts and people associated with, have shown me to be a very unique 'cyber culture'.
I get very few comments on my blogs, but I know that I have readers, and repeat readers. Not only from the states, but all around the world.
This alone says that the topic of opiates, the lifestyle associated with, and the details of detoxing are all of interest.
What I am specifically compelled to share is the amount of personal correspondance that has come my way. Even of more interest to me is the diversity of people and their situations that reach out to comment on my blog.
The emails that touch me the most are the ones that come from parents of heroin users and other opiate addicts. The essence of the messages are that they are thankful for my openess because it helps them understand what their own children are going through.
Some of the parent's words have nearly brought me to tears. Partly because of what they are going through watching their own children. Primarily because I can identify with the stories they tell me. I AM that child. Which brings me to the saddest realization for me. My father. My Mother. My family. My heart breaks when I think of the worry I have put them through. My father has stood by my side, and modeled for me what unconditional love for ones child is. So many times I have wished I could quit if ONLY for him. To shield him from pain.
I snap back to reality and remember that I can't stay sober for him. I cannot do it for my children. I have to do it for me. Talk about a 'trap'.
I have built a friendship with a girl across the globe who is struggling with her boyfriends heroin addiction. We were able to speak freely regarding our different perspectives on addiction. She was able to share with me what her perception of a drug addict was before she dated one, and how it changed after. Her boyfriend did not fit the mold of what she thought an addict was supposed to be like. "He was a normal person." In other words, he did not fit the description believed by many people who do not have direct contact with persons addicted to drugs.
In my opinion the only characteristic that addicts all share is a deep rooted pain, masked or comforted that with an addictive substance. My gut tells me that a good majority of addicts are 'normal people', who never intended to walk into the world of hell that is addiction.
As far as my lovely global friend, the ability to share with each other our pain and our experiences helped open my heart up, and for that I am glad.
As an addict, I myself often only think of my own pain and suffering. I am sad that I over look the billions of people who also suffer for simply loving and caring for an addict. My life is very lonely right now. The quantity of people that surround me does not seem to diminish the loneliness.
What does satiate the pain to some degree, is the feedback I receive by telling my story. It's the one sentence from a stranger that reminds me I have provided a ray of hope- if even only one. It's the friendly check up comment. The one that tells me somewhere in this world someone thought of me, prayed for me, wondered about me.
What a strange thing to find comfort in right?
Please continue your comments and feedback. If you feel words tug at your heart strings, and if you contemplate posting a comment, I encourage you to follow through. I believe it is a powerful force of hope for suffering people.
Please take a moment to read the post by my fellow blogger Chelsie Charmed. Thank you for the encouragement to speak out about the importance of feedback! You can check out Chelsie's post on this topic through this link.
http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/2014/07/is-there-anybody-out-there.html
A little kindness can go a long long way. You never know whose day you brightened, and how that in turn may effect many others along the way.
Peace-J
Friday, May 9, 2014
Heroin Won't Give Up- So We Can't Either (written in 2015)
Coming off of opiates for what seems like the ump-teenth million time is still MENTALLY as hard as the 1st attempt. It's a tricky thing how it rapes you of any mental stability including good decision making. My thought is that the mental addiction parallels to the intensity of pleasure during our high, and our ability to block out anything we don't wanna deal with.
The deeper our pain- the better the high - the worse our addiction.
After my children were taken from me, I remember thinking why get up in the morning? What is the point of grocery shopping, cleaning, working, smiling, living? You get the point.It became easy to use cocaine again. I swore off trying heroin for 33 years of my life because I knew what vicodin, oxys, and other opiates did for me. My fear of crossing that line was because I knew that I was barely ok on the pills. Heroin did everything I imagined multiplied a thousand times! My addiction quickly gave me the gift of 'eff it'. I was able to think about nothing else. (I wrote about my first experience with heroin in Shot in the Dark Right at My Throat post)
That was exactly what I wanted. I did not know how to even begin to face coping with the pain of my children being gone. So I bailed on life playing russian roulette with my entire existence. Russian Roulette with heroin doesn't last long before becoming an entirely different human being and that's if we are fortunate enough not to end up dead. Heroin will always win as long as we join in the game. Hell it wins with some of us who try to surrender!
After stringing together some pretty crappy days resulting in a long list of self doubts and reasons I won't make it on the sober track, I finally get it. It's still part of the trap! All my negative thoughts and fear of failure. My inability to cope rationally with small things. Drugs are still trying to tighten the nuice around my neck. I can't let it.
Hearing support and hope from addicts similar me helps. They prove to me it's possible to do what feels impossible.
I am not sure that my day today is any easier, but my brain knows these other addicts are proof that a good life is possible, and that helps me to hold on another day.
I read an article about ex-junkies and what they had to say about Phillip Seymour Hoffman dying of an overdose after 23 years clean from heroin. It comes from this link if you wanna read it: http://www.alternet.org/drugs/37-quotes-heroin-users-addiction-and-struggle-stay-sober
I chose a few to share...
The deeper our pain- the better the high - the worse our addiction.
After my children were taken from me, I remember thinking why get up in the morning? What is the point of grocery shopping, cleaning, working, smiling, living? You get the point.It became easy to use cocaine again. I swore off trying heroin for 33 years of my life because I knew what vicodin, oxys, and other opiates did for me. My fear of crossing that line was because I knew that I was barely ok on the pills. Heroin did everything I imagined multiplied a thousand times! My addiction quickly gave me the gift of 'eff it'. I was able to think about nothing else. (I wrote about my first experience with heroin in Shot in the Dark Right at My Throat post)
That was exactly what I wanted. I did not know how to even begin to face coping with the pain of my children being gone. So I bailed on life playing russian roulette with my entire existence. Russian Roulette with heroin doesn't last long before becoming an entirely different human being and that's if we are fortunate enough not to end up dead. Heroin will always win as long as we join in the game. Hell it wins with some of us who try to surrender!
After stringing together some pretty crappy days resulting in a long list of self doubts and reasons I won't make it on the sober track, I finally get it. It's still part of the trap! All my negative thoughts and fear of failure. My inability to cope rationally with small things. Drugs are still trying to tighten the nuice around my neck. I can't let it.
Hearing support and hope from addicts similar me helps. They prove to me it's possible to do what feels impossible.
I am not sure that my day today is any easier, but my brain knows these other addicts are proof that a good life is possible, and that helps me to hold on another day.
I read an article about ex-junkies and what they had to say about Phillip Seymour Hoffman dying of an overdose after 23 years clean from heroin. It comes from this link if you wanna read it: http://www.alternet.org/drugs/37-quotes-heroin-users-addiction-and-struggle-stay-sober
I chose a few to share...
"When I first gave up heroin, I could never tell myself it was forever..."
"I live in real fear that I'll relapse..."
"No one sets out to be a heroin addict. It's not a lifestyle choice..."
"If you are an addict you are either using, clean or dead. There is nothing in between..."
"Every single time I relapse, my life spins out of control..."
"I wish people would understand that addiction is a symptom..."
"The 'War On Drugs' has been a dismal failure..."
"Once addicted, your life then becomes a dedication to your addiction..."
"The feeling is almost impossible to explain to someone who has never done an opiate..."
"Heroin encases you in a little cotton-wool house and nothing hurts anymore..."
"Sometimes I think I would like to shoot up water just to experience the whole ceremony surrounding the event..."
"Whenever I hear of a celebrity drug death, especially when it relates to smack (heroin), often the first thing that comes to mind is the hypocrisy which surrounds drugs and junkies..."
Each and every one of those statements stirred up things inside me. I understand all too well what they are thinking. The difference is that next to their names were lengths of sober time. It initially made me sad that after years of being clean the monster can poke...and then I realized what great insight that is. Tangible hope for us who are in early recovery, and those who want to recover. By speaking out they give purpose to their past... I think that is awesome!
History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Ecclesiastes 1:9 NLT
I so happened to stumble on to that scripture today. Think about it, our stories may be unique- but I highly doubt my Higher Power is scratching his head wondering how he's gonna help me outta this one! My job is to not give up!
To quote a fellow addict's advice to me earlier today: Instead of giving the race up you need to just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. The rest will get sorted out.
Peace. J
Thursday, April 17, 2014
It's Okay Not To Suffer?
I kinda want to title this one, "IS It Okay Not To Suffer?" I mean, I AM a junkie, right? Getting clean is not supposed to be a walk in the park. We reap what we sow, and junkie life sows nothing but turmoil and garbage.
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Monday, April 14, 2014
Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Moe
Eenie meenie minie moe
Pick a vice to kill your soul
any vice will kill u slow!
Eenie-meenie-minie-moe
I never like to think of myself as a 'bad person'. Unfortunately drug users get that wrap. Even if a person won't say it to you- 9 times out of 10 I am willing to bet they are discouraged I am on drugs and unable to free myself from addiction.
I am firm in the belief that drug addition rarely stands alone. It always runs hand in hand with something else. Eating disorders, depression, sex issues, anxiety, low self esteem, breaking the law, bad relationships, childhood trauma, rape.
The list could go on. The frustration sometimes eats me up inside that some don't understand how much is involved in becoming an addict. Resulting in the difficult path necessary to quit. Some people just don't understand. I have to accept that.
Pick a vice to kill your soul
any vice will kill u slow!
Eenie-meenie-minie-moe
I never like to think of myself as a 'bad person'. Unfortunately drug users get that wrap. Even if a person won't say it to you- 9 times out of 10 I am willing to bet they are discouraged I am on drugs and unable to free myself from addiction.
I am firm in the belief that drug addition rarely stands alone. It always runs hand in hand with something else. Eating disorders, depression, sex issues, anxiety, low self esteem, breaking the law, bad relationships, childhood trauma, rape.
The list could go on. The frustration sometimes eats me up inside that some don't understand how much is involved in becoming an addict. Resulting in the difficult path necessary to quit. Some people just don't understand. I have to accept that.
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