Monday, August 25, 2014

How many relapses until we have had enough?

A new relapse in May. The shame is unbearably overpowering to the point of taking months to vocalize it.

Kindness: A Free Gift

This post is a bit off topic in a manner, but I believe it to be an important observation in the world of addiction and recovery that I have made over the last 6 months or so. 

Addicts and people associated with, have shown me to be a very unique 'cyber culture'. 

I get very few comments on my blogs, but I know that I have readers, and repeat readers. Not only from the states, but all around the world. 

This alone says that the topic of opiates, the lifestyle associated with, and the details of detoxing are all of interest. 

What I am specifically compelled to share is the amount of personal correspondance that has come my way. Even of more interest to me is the diversity of people and their situations that reach out to comment on my blog.

The emails that touch me the most are the ones that come from parents of heroin users and other opiate addicts. The essence of the messages are that they are thankful for my openess because it helps them understand what their own children are going through. 

Some of the parent's words have nearly brought me to tears. Partly because of what they are going through watching their own children. Primarily because I can identify with the stories they tell me. I AM that child. Which brings me to the saddest realization for me. My father. My Mother. My family. My heart breaks when I think of the worry I have put them through. My father has stood by my side, and modeled for me what unconditional love for ones child is. So many times I have wished I could quit if ONLY for him. To shield him from pain. 

I snap back to reality and remember that I can't stay sober for him. I cannot do it for my children. I have to do it for me. Talk about a 'trap'. 

I have built a friendship with a girl across the globe who is struggling with her boyfriends heroin addiction. We were able to speak freely regarding our different perspectives on addiction. She was able to share with me what her perception of a drug addict was before she dated one, and how it changed after.  Her boyfriend did not fit the mold of what she thought an addict was supposed to be like. "He was a normal person." In other words, he did not fit the description believed by many people who do not have direct contact with persons addicted to drugs.  

In my opinion the only characteristic that addicts all share is a deep rooted pain, masked or comforted that with an addictive substance.  My gut tells me that a good majority of addicts are 'normal people', who never intended to walk into the world of hell that is addiction.  

As far as my lovely global friend, the ability to share with each other our  pain and our experiences helped open my heart up, and for that I am glad. 

As an addict, I myself often only think of my own pain and suffering. I am sad that I over look the billions of people who also suffer for simply loving and caring for an addict. My life is very lonely right now. The quantity of people that surround me does not seem  to diminish the loneliness. 

What does satiate the pain to some degree, is the feedback I receive by telling my story. It's the one sentence from a stranger that reminds me I have provided a ray of hope- if even only one. It's the friendly check up comment. The one that tells me somewhere in this world someone thought of me, prayed for me, wondered about me. 

What a strange thing to find comfort in right? 

Please continue your comments and feedback. If you feel words tug at your heart strings, and if you contemplate posting a comment, I encourage you to follow through.  I believe it is a powerful force of hope for suffering people. 

Please take a moment to read the post by my fellow blogger Thank you for the encouragement to speak out about the importance of feedback! You can check out Chelsie's post on this topic through this link.

A little kindness can go a long long way. You never know whose day you brightened, and how that in turn may effect many others along the way.