My Monster; My Demons

OMG. I'm F*@ked.

The first words out of my mouth. I will never forget those moments. The hours, days, weeks before are all a blur, as were the following. However, nothing will ever erase those few moments.

I can vividly recall the smell. The temperature of my body. The bodies around me. No faces, only bodies. The sharpness of the point. The fear. The pressure in my eyelids as I scrunched them closed in anticipation. That feeling. Oh that feeling. I told them I should never do it. I told them. They said I'd be okay. I knew better. I told them I KNEW if I did it I'd love it. I. HAD. NO. IDEA. My expectations of the euphoria truly underestimated the level of ecstasy that traveled slowly through the vessels inside of me. At each turn feeling the devil penetrate a new level of pleasure I had never known. Not even in my wildest dreams.

See, I can only illustrate the story from my own point of view. When you spend the majority of your life in pain, physical euphoria can be a tricky vice to shake. The physical nature is so powerful, that it extends far beyond. It grabs your mind in it's claws. Clenches with a grip so tight, that the only thing you can see clearly is that you might not pry through the fingers of the iron fist alive. All of this recognized in less than 2 minutes of the experience.

Many labels are attributed to 'these kind of people'. Not one of these labels are positive. I would venture to guess that most are...or were... good people before that first hit. This next statement may only make sense to 'them'. While the first hit pierces the body, you are fully aware of the stigmata. You become fully aware of the power of something truly evil. As a small being bouncing around the inside of the iron fist, you try to jump out. You want to, but the euphoria sucks you back in like a vacuum. In attempt to combat the judgement passed on you, it's easier to actively seek out a life that reflects that judgement.

Here lies the problem. Euphoria. Judgement. Addiction. Suffocation. Morality. Choice. Betrayal. Dishonesty. Entrapment. Good. Evil. Darkness overcoming the light with it's giant shadow. 

I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to share it. I am terrified. It eats away at me month after month.  I need to allow these thoughts to live as something other than a nightmare held captive in my brain. Maybe in attempt to relate to someone else in pain? Not that anyone will ever see it... but maybe they will. Maybe you saw it. I figure I have already lost everything. They already have their opinion of who I am and what I have done. So what do I have to lose?