In rehab I met a woman 9 months pregnant. A heroin user. I always wondered if the baby (she lost to CPS?) would be ok.
I'd love resources or advice. Could her baby survive a healthy life?? She always said if only I quit sooner he'd be healthy. Is that true?
This subject has been brought up lot to me and I have no answers. Is a pregnant user going to have a damaged hurting baby no matter what? Does the trimester matter?
Peace-J
If you pray, please do so for her and her son. Thanks!
Showing posts with label drug addict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drug addict. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2016
Victories-Come in Many Shapes & Sizes
Life issues can come at us from different perspectives, no matter what they are. For example, I won $10 on a $2 Lottery ticket. I only won $10 vs. I have $8 more than I did a few minutes ago.
I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.
Here is that word again. FEAR.
Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.
Victories.
Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!
I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.
Here is that word again. FEAR.
Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.
Victories.
Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Never Stop Fighting! Please!
A Saturday phone call to my Mother enlisted a reminder of some of the last words my daughter spoke to me as she was being ripped from my arms by CPS.
"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...
How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....
Somehow we know we can never stop fighting.
"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...
How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....
Somehow we know we can never stop fighting.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Functional Junkie: Revisited
In my post preceding this post called functional junkie, I gave my perspective and opinion as to whether or not a junkie can ever 'really' function while using. I thought I would come and re-write my perspective. It's been a while since I read that post, and I want to put out my thoughts in this secondary post so that I can compare the two and see if there are any similarities or differences in my opinion.
I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have.
I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.
To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning.
An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober.
As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.
I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have.
I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.
To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning.
An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober.
As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Manhunt understanding fear.
Here I come to another time line. By Friday I'll be dope free. New motives. New relationships. Perhaps a new improved approach.
As I sit outside my bedroom window; grasping my sweaty cigarette I begin the desperate manhunt! Tips to beat the depression is what set this hunt in motion.
My fear of being unable to fight the depression without the fickle comfort of my loaded syringe. Fear.. Fear. Fear.
Fear is something I speak of often. I believe with all certainty that fear resides as the obstacle I've yet to overcome. Recognizing, understanding, and my fears will indeed b the last step before my full recovery begins.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Functional Junkie
Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Kindness: A Free Gift
This post is a bit off topic in a manner, but I believe it to be an important observation in the world of addiction and recovery that I have made over the last 6 months or so.
Addicts and people associated with, have shown me to be a very unique 'cyber culture'.
I get very few comments on my blogs, but I know that I have readers, and repeat readers. Not only from the states, but all around the world.
This alone says that the topic of opiates, the lifestyle associated with, and the details of detoxing are all of interest.
What I am specifically compelled to share is the amount of personal correspondance that has come my way. Even of more interest to me is the diversity of people and their situations that reach out to comment on my blog.
The emails that touch me the most are the ones that come from parents of heroin users and other opiate addicts. The essence of the messages are that they are thankful for my openess because it helps them understand what their own children are going through.
Some of the parent's words have nearly brought me to tears. Partly because of what they are going through watching their own children. Primarily because I can identify with the stories they tell me. I AM that child. Which brings me to the saddest realization for me. My father. My Mother. My family. My heart breaks when I think of the worry I have put them through. My father has stood by my side, and modeled for me what unconditional love for ones child is. So many times I have wished I could quit if ONLY for him. To shield him from pain.
I snap back to reality and remember that I can't stay sober for him. I cannot do it for my children. I have to do it for me. Talk about a 'trap'.
I have built a friendship with a girl across the globe who is struggling with her boyfriends heroin addiction. We were able to speak freely regarding our different perspectives on addiction. She was able to share with me what her perception of a drug addict was before she dated one, and how it changed after. Her boyfriend did not fit the mold of what she thought an addict was supposed to be like. "He was a normal person." In other words, he did not fit the description believed by many people who do not have direct contact with persons addicted to drugs.
In my opinion the only characteristic that addicts all share is a deep rooted pain, masked or comforted that with an addictive substance. My gut tells me that a good majority of addicts are 'normal people', who never intended to walk into the world of hell that is addiction.
As far as my lovely global friend, the ability to share with each other our pain and our experiences helped open my heart up, and for that I am glad.
As an addict, I myself often only think of my own pain and suffering. I am sad that I over look the billions of people who also suffer for simply loving and caring for an addict. My life is very lonely right now. The quantity of people that surround me does not seem to diminish the loneliness.
What does satiate the pain to some degree, is the feedback I receive by telling my story. It's the one sentence from a stranger that reminds me I have provided a ray of hope- if even only one. It's the friendly check up comment. The one that tells me somewhere in this world someone thought of me, prayed for me, wondered about me.
What a strange thing to find comfort in right?
Please continue your comments and feedback. If you feel words tug at your heart strings, and if you contemplate posting a comment, I encourage you to follow through. I believe it is a powerful force of hope for suffering people.
Please take a moment to read the post by my fellow blogger Chelsie Charmed. Thank you for the encouragement to speak out about the importance of feedback! You can check out Chelsie's post on this topic through this link.
http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/2014/07/is-there-anybody-out-there.html
A little kindness can go a long long way. You never know whose day you brightened, and how that in turn may effect many others along the way.
Peace-J
Addicts and people associated with, have shown me to be a very unique 'cyber culture'.
I get very few comments on my blogs, but I know that I have readers, and repeat readers. Not only from the states, but all around the world.
This alone says that the topic of opiates, the lifestyle associated with, and the details of detoxing are all of interest.
What I am specifically compelled to share is the amount of personal correspondance that has come my way. Even of more interest to me is the diversity of people and their situations that reach out to comment on my blog.
The emails that touch me the most are the ones that come from parents of heroin users and other opiate addicts. The essence of the messages are that they are thankful for my openess because it helps them understand what their own children are going through.
Some of the parent's words have nearly brought me to tears. Partly because of what they are going through watching their own children. Primarily because I can identify with the stories they tell me. I AM that child. Which brings me to the saddest realization for me. My father. My Mother. My family. My heart breaks when I think of the worry I have put them through. My father has stood by my side, and modeled for me what unconditional love for ones child is. So many times I have wished I could quit if ONLY for him. To shield him from pain.
I snap back to reality and remember that I can't stay sober for him. I cannot do it for my children. I have to do it for me. Talk about a 'trap'.
I have built a friendship with a girl across the globe who is struggling with her boyfriends heroin addiction. We were able to speak freely regarding our different perspectives on addiction. She was able to share with me what her perception of a drug addict was before she dated one, and how it changed after. Her boyfriend did not fit the mold of what she thought an addict was supposed to be like. "He was a normal person." In other words, he did not fit the description believed by many people who do not have direct contact with persons addicted to drugs.
In my opinion the only characteristic that addicts all share is a deep rooted pain, masked or comforted that with an addictive substance. My gut tells me that a good majority of addicts are 'normal people', who never intended to walk into the world of hell that is addiction.
As far as my lovely global friend, the ability to share with each other our pain and our experiences helped open my heart up, and for that I am glad.
As an addict, I myself often only think of my own pain and suffering. I am sad that I over look the billions of people who also suffer for simply loving and caring for an addict. My life is very lonely right now. The quantity of people that surround me does not seem to diminish the loneliness.
What does satiate the pain to some degree, is the feedback I receive by telling my story. It's the one sentence from a stranger that reminds me I have provided a ray of hope- if even only one. It's the friendly check up comment. The one that tells me somewhere in this world someone thought of me, prayed for me, wondered about me.
What a strange thing to find comfort in right?
Please continue your comments and feedback. If you feel words tug at your heart strings, and if you contemplate posting a comment, I encourage you to follow through. I believe it is a powerful force of hope for suffering people.
Please take a moment to read the post by my fellow blogger Chelsie Charmed. Thank you for the encouragement to speak out about the importance of feedback! You can check out Chelsie's post on this topic through this link.
http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/2014/07/is-there-anybody-out-there.html
A little kindness can go a long long way. You never know whose day you brightened, and how that in turn may effect many others along the way.
Peace-J
Monday, July 28, 2014
Does it really matter?
I find myself curious the longer I avoid posting on my blog, as to whether or not my readers know what's up. It is kind of a useless thought, with the exception that it reminds me that it's never too late to write another post. I mean.....pretty simple decision; right?
I came to my own conclusion that if I regularly followed a blog like mine, and the blogger went MIA, I would certainly want to hear from them again, Regardless of the reason of absence, all of my days published or not, are what make up my life.
I would like to take this next paragraph to invite comments and opinions. My absence from updating Blogger has been due to both positive and negative actions. The Suboxone taper...wow.... I did write most of those days, and knowing I have to read them again in order to type them up does NOT sound fun. Fear keeps me at bay. Fear keeps me hidden. So many days of the last 2 months I have given up all hope.
YET....
Here I am. I know there is still a shred of hope that flickers deep inside somewhere. It lays dormant in that same place where the fearless, ambitious, hopeful girl used to dwell. I hardly remember her, but I think about her a lot ore lately.
My friends, my readers, fellow suffering addicts, do I lay out the last two months and all the ups and downs? My recovery is not dead until I decide it is. I want to keep fighting. Option 2 is not to blog anymore. I will not write this story if I do not hold my writing to a standard of truth. Option 3 is start over a fresh new blog where no one knows whats been going on.
I have purposefully isolated and pushed away from all those near and dear to me. I have mentioned before, I write under an alias, but the stories and entries are real. I actually have allowed a few people I know have access to this blog. That also makes it harder to write.
I do want to. I want to push past the fear.
Please any feedback and advice welcome.
~J'Elle
I came to my own conclusion that if I regularly followed a blog like mine, and the blogger went MIA, I would certainly want to hear from them again, Regardless of the reason of absence, all of my days published or not, are what make up my life.
I would like to take this next paragraph to invite comments and opinions. My absence from updating Blogger has been due to both positive and negative actions. The Suboxone taper...wow.... I did write most of those days, and knowing I have to read them again in order to type them up does NOT sound fun. Fear keeps me at bay. Fear keeps me hidden. So many days of the last 2 months I have given up all hope.
YET....
Here I am. I know there is still a shred of hope that flickers deep inside somewhere. It lays dormant in that same place where the fearless, ambitious, hopeful girl used to dwell. I hardly remember her, but I think about her a lot ore lately.
My friends, my readers, fellow suffering addicts, do I lay out the last two months and all the ups and downs? My recovery is not dead until I decide it is. I want to keep fighting. Option 2 is not to blog anymore. I will not write this story if I do not hold my writing to a standard of truth. Option 3 is start over a fresh new blog where no one knows whats been going on.
I have purposefully isolated and pushed away from all those near and dear to me. I have mentioned before, I write under an alias, but the stories and entries are real. I actually have allowed a few people I know have access to this blog. That also makes it harder to write.
I do want to. I want to push past the fear.
Please any feedback and advice welcome.
~J'Elle
Friday, May 23, 2014
Detox, New Friends, & Hope
Hey there Opiate Trap friends! Please check out my other blog @ http://suboxonestopping.blogspot.com.
I have been working hard on my Suboxone stopping and hope it reaches someone who might be in the same spot as me.
Thanks for every one's support, emails, messages, comments and for subscribing! It means more than you know. Both the encouragement and those of you trying to reclaim your lives.
I read so much on addiction and recovery and off the top of my head I come across maybe 25% that actually properly depict what it means to be an addict. Knowledge from scientific facts are great, but behind all those facts and statistics are real life hurting humans. We all have a story and we all deserve a chance! I love seeing the bond forming online between addicts helping addicts, family of addicts, and professionals!
We can't save everyone, but we can help someone! One life doesn't seem like much, except when it's our own.
Also, any advice on how to merge the 2 blogs would be great! I do not want to lose any of my content or any of my new friends when I merge.
Thanks!
J'Elle
I have been working hard on my Suboxone stopping and hope it reaches someone who might be in the same spot as me.
Thanks for every one's support, emails, messages, comments and for subscribing! It means more than you know. Both the encouragement and those of you trying to reclaim your lives.
I read so much on addiction and recovery and off the top of my head I come across maybe 25% that actually properly depict what it means to be an addict. Knowledge from scientific facts are great, but behind all those facts and statistics are real life hurting humans. We all have a story and we all deserve a chance! I love seeing the bond forming online between addicts helping addicts, family of addicts, and professionals!
We can't save everyone, but we can help someone! One life doesn't seem like much, except when it's our own.
Also, any advice on how to merge the 2 blogs would be great! I do not want to lose any of my content or any of my new friends when I merge.
Thanks!
J'Elle
Thursday, May 8, 2014
The Missing Piece: Part 2
Continued from Part 1
The things I am going to write about are used in places like church at alter calls, and in government agencies such as the FBI. Merely tapping into strong emotions so to speak.
Now I am not saying my theory is the only way that people can permanently change. Everyone has a different background, a unique story. What I can vouch for is that after counseling with more than 12 therapists, more than 15 different doctors treating me for addiction, depression, anxiety, or symptoms related to, that this is the only rapid noticeable change I've experienced.
It's actually a pretty simple concept, and I will explain it the best I know how. Again, this is a theory I was taught-not medical advice!
Here is the simple version.
We will use me wanting to quit drugs as an example as the primary decision I'd like to change.
Step 1- I need to decide on a willpower level that I want to quit opiates and stay sober forever. Our willpower is essentially our motivation and decision to change something on a conscious level.
Ex- I tell my doctor that I decided I want to be sober, and I will do whatever I can to accomplish and maintain that decision.
Sounds easy right?
Step 2: revise our willpower decision for loopholes.
For instance, instead of 'I want' needs to be 'I will'. Another example is to eliminate the word 'try'.
Ex-I will work hard at real estate and earn 100k this year.
This guy ended up in prison 5 years.
Loophole= I will work hard at Real Estate and LEGALLY earn 100k this year. (true example of a patient of Dr. D)
Step 3: We begin to practice driving our new decision into our unconscious.
This can only be done in a state of high emotion! Anger, rage, sadness, etc.
Ex: Any time I am in therapy and start to get choked up and upset talking about my traumatized and dysfunctional past, Dr. D will stop me.
The 1st time I tried this was when I talked about my children and how what I've done has effected them, and how upset I was. I told him I wished I could tell them how sorry I was and that I wouldn't let them hurt anymore. He asked me how it would sound if I made that decision.
It was very difficult for me to get that part out. I have conditioned myself to suppress tears and sadness. However, by the time I answered and he helped me revise this is what my decision looked like.
I have made the decision that no matter how I feel, no matter how much I want to be numb, I will remember how badly it will hurt you.I'll do anything and everything I can to be ok, but I will not use as long as I have you two.
The doc asked me several times to repeat this. I was crying a bit and let me tell you, it was more difficult then it sounds.. for me at least. I have issues when it comes to facing hurtful things. Opiates and drugs are what I used to cope with some very tumultuous issues. I am programmed on auto response to totally shut down emotionally when tears begin to brew.
So far in my therapy the decision is the one I have done successfully. I am working on others and am able to make decisions on a willpower level but have not yet come into the high emotional state stage. I write down the things that I want to change in a small notebook that I carry with me.
My decision' notebook (see link for details on how to start and use a decision notebook)
Step 4 is to begin identifying secondary decisions. These are things that backed up a life changing primary decision we make.
Let me recap for you:
Conception: we have good/positive thoughts in us
Birth: As we undergo the process of birth and throughout our lives, those thoughts change depending on our circumstances and experiences. What we decide about ourselves starts to change the course of our lives.
***As I stood in the mirror at 14, I started that new decision in a very high state of emotion! I audibly told my reflection that I'd show my Mom what worthless really was!
Willpower decision: Deciding you want something to change and saying it on a willpower level.
Writing down the willpower decision.
Find and change loopholes in our decision
Reciting the decision in a state of high emotion. Re-affirming as much as possible so as to drive the new decision into our unconscious.
Identify secondary decisions
I encourage you to give this a shot. It doesn't hurt anything. From where I am standing, I have changed more in the last few months than on 20 years combined. I have began to really forgive myself, I am making good decisions I never could arrive at before as opposed to the destructive ones. Something is different and I believe a large part of the reason for doing so is my practicing this.
This is not the only step to take to commit to sobriety. There are so many things for an addict to work on in order to maintain a stable and sober life. However, my doc started out 40 years ago surveying people on different things and using these ideas to arrive at this conclusion. He refers it to destiny changing. and he himself is recovered and practices this still in all aspects of life.
I don't have any other advantage of sharing this aside from me wanting others to hopefully begin to find the missing piece that begins healing in your lives.
Feel free to comment or ask questions on the ideas. :)
Part 1 link: http://preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
The things I am going to write about are used in places like church at alter calls, and in government agencies such as the FBI. Merely tapping into strong emotions so to speak.
Now I am not saying my theory is the only way that people can permanently change. Everyone has a different background, a unique story. What I can vouch for is that after counseling with more than 12 therapists, more than 15 different doctors treating me for addiction, depression, anxiety, or symptoms related to, that this is the only rapid noticeable change I've experienced.
It's actually a pretty simple concept, and I will explain it the best I know how. Again, this is a theory I was taught-not medical advice!
Here is the simple version.
We will use me wanting to quit drugs as an example as the primary decision I'd like to change.
Step 1- I need to decide on a willpower level that I want to quit opiates and stay sober forever. Our willpower is essentially our motivation and decision to change something on a conscious level.
Ex- I tell my doctor that I decided I want to be sober, and I will do whatever I can to accomplish and maintain that decision.
Sounds easy right?
Step 2: revise our willpower decision for loopholes.
For instance, instead of 'I want' needs to be 'I will'. Another example is to eliminate the word 'try'.
Ex-I will work hard at real estate and earn 100k this year.
This guy ended up in prison 5 years.
Loophole= I will work hard at Real Estate and LEGALLY earn 100k this year. (true example of a patient of Dr. D)
Step 3: We begin to practice driving our new decision into our unconscious.
This can only be done in a state of high emotion! Anger, rage, sadness, etc.
Ex: Any time I am in therapy and start to get choked up and upset talking about my traumatized and dysfunctional past, Dr. D will stop me.
The 1st time I tried this was when I talked about my children and how what I've done has effected them, and how upset I was. I told him I wished I could tell them how sorry I was and that I wouldn't let them hurt anymore. He asked me how it would sound if I made that decision.
It was very difficult for me to get that part out. I have conditioned myself to suppress tears and sadness. However, by the time I answered and he helped me revise this is what my decision looked like.
I have made the decision that no matter how I feel, no matter how much I want to be numb, I will remember how badly it will hurt you.I'll do anything and everything I can to be ok, but I will not use as long as I have you two.
The doc asked me several times to repeat this. I was crying a bit and let me tell you, it was more difficult then it sounds.. for me at least. I have issues when it comes to facing hurtful things. Opiates and drugs are what I used to cope with some very tumultuous issues. I am programmed on auto response to totally shut down emotionally when tears begin to brew.
So far in my therapy the decision is the one I have done successfully. I am working on others and am able to make decisions on a willpower level but have not yet come into the high emotional state stage. I write down the things that I want to change in a small notebook that I carry with me.
My decision' notebook (see link for details on how to start and use a decision notebook)
Step 4 is to begin identifying secondary decisions. These are things that backed up a life changing primary decision we make.
Let me recap for you:
Conception: we have good/positive thoughts in us
Birth: As we undergo the process of birth and throughout our lives, those thoughts change depending on our circumstances and experiences. What we decide about ourselves starts to change the course of our lives.
***As I stood in the mirror at 14, I started that new decision in a very high state of emotion! I audibly told my reflection that I'd show my Mom what worthless really was!
Willpower decision: Deciding you want something to change and saying it on a willpower level.
Writing down the willpower decision.
Find and change loopholes in our decision
Reciting the decision in a state of high emotion. Re-affirming as much as possible so as to drive the new decision into our unconscious.
Identify secondary decisions
I encourage you to give this a shot. It doesn't hurt anything. From where I am standing, I have changed more in the last few months than on 20 years combined. I have began to really forgive myself, I am making good decisions I never could arrive at before as opposed to the destructive ones. Something is different and I believe a large part of the reason for doing so is my practicing this.
This is not the only step to take to commit to sobriety. There are so many things for an addict to work on in order to maintain a stable and sober life. However, my doc started out 40 years ago surveying people on different things and using these ideas to arrive at this conclusion. He refers it to destiny changing. and he himself is recovered and practices this still in all aspects of life.
I don't have any other advantage of sharing this aside from me wanting others to hopefully begin to find the missing piece that begins healing in your lives.
Feel free to comment or ask questions on the ideas. :)
Part 1 link: http://preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
The Missing Piece: Preventing Relapse Part 1
I have been on and off of drugs for over 1/3 of my life. My addictive behaviors started at 14 years old when I picked up my first cigarette. (at least to the best of my memory)
I am ashamed 21 years later to say that I stole 2 Marlboro lights out of a girl's purse in my 5th period choir class. I can still smell the tobacco stained cloth inside the little zipper that held my little vice in secrecy until I could get home.
As I stood in my bedroom hours later, staring into the white framed mirror above my dresser, I spoke words to myself through angry lips; hot and sticky from the crocodile tears that slowly dripped out of my eyes.
"You think I am worthless?! I'll SHOW you worthless!"
Choking & coughing up the very breath as it rejected the smoke filling my heavy lungs, I swiftly dipped the tip of my stolen cig into a half cup of water and watched the brightness turn ashy gray. I re lit it in the steamy room where I ran a shower to mask the stench 2 hours later.
It took me 21 years to find a doctor that taught me that was one of the days where I changed my destiny.
Quickly following that first smoke came my bulimia, high school lunches made of alcohol, pot smoking behind the tree between classes, and the beginning of my long journey through rehabs and shrinks. Good, memorable, and traumatizing experiences shaped me through the years as I battled pain, addiction, rejection, SELF rejection, shame, guilt, and a world swallowing me up in a sea of depression so deep that I knew by 25 years old I was implementing a slow painful suicide upon myself.
----BUT NOTHING HELPED----
In rehab you learn that in relapse not only do you pick up where you left off, you inevitably end up worse, and i was no exception to this rule. I in fact think I resemble quite the model poster child for a corrosive pattern of behavior.
What sucked me in deeper each time was the guilt. The incredible guilt induced the destruction and malevolence inflicted upon my mind. Daily. For what felt like forever. The shame of telling others I wanted to change and that I would be different after so many times of failure.
I did my time with counseling and different meds as well. Year after year eagerly approaching my issues and weaknesses with intensity, devotion, and optimism. Hearing time and time again how I must not have wanted to be sober enough!
I yearned for that missing piece. WHY do I always mess up? How do I allow myself to numb repeatedly in ways that harm myself extensively when I know better?
Knowledge.. I have it! Willingness, check! Medicine- yes. Support system...yes. Good Professionals, a few! Vulnerability and desire never lacked. Any normal person could pull their life together with these tools used conjointly. Couldn't they?
Not me. Soon the vulnerability shut down, and the desire became shame. Each relapse my addiction got worse. Hopelessness and loneliness lined the horizon of my miserable future. I sunk into a hole so deep, I can still only deal with a small fraction of it.
The missing piece never showed up because I couldn't make it. I failed, and would always be a failure.
At the age of 35, I have learned this is not the truth. I have a doctor who has taught me about how we can put that final piece into a successful recovery.
See, when we are conceived we have thoughts ingrained into our consciousness. Thoughts such as I will be happy, I will love myself.
As we come into this world, those thoughts are often changed or transformed during times in which we are in high states of emotion. Fear, sadness, rage, anger, physical pain name a few.
Let me give you an example. I was conceived as a happy little being. My mother and father got a divorce when I was young. My mother expressed her pain in ways that effected me. She said things to me that eluded I'd be a worthless failure. She told me regularly I was a 'f up', a worthless whore, and I'd never make anything of myself. I was an amazing kiddo at that time, but that soon changed.
The 1st chance that came available for me to rebel and prove to her how worthless I'd be was when I stole the two Marlboro Lights.
I spent 20+ years ingraining that thought and others into my brain so that I'd never be happy, and if I'd get close to happiness, I'd sabotage EVERYTHING and end up a failure. Please click on link to read part 2.
http://preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com
I am ashamed 21 years later to say that I stole 2 Marlboro lights out of a girl's purse in my 5th period choir class. I can still smell the tobacco stained cloth inside the little zipper that held my little vice in secrecy until I could get home.
As I stood in my bedroom hours later, staring into the white framed mirror above my dresser, I spoke words to myself through angry lips; hot and sticky from the crocodile tears that slowly dripped out of my eyes.
"You think I am worthless?! I'll SHOW you worthless!"
Choking & coughing up the very breath as it rejected the smoke filling my heavy lungs, I swiftly dipped the tip of my stolen cig into a half cup of water and watched the brightness turn ashy gray. I re lit it in the steamy room where I ran a shower to mask the stench 2 hours later.
It took me 21 years to find a doctor that taught me that was one of the days where I changed my destiny.
Quickly following that first smoke came my bulimia, high school lunches made of alcohol, pot smoking behind the tree between classes, and the beginning of my long journey through rehabs and shrinks. Good, memorable, and traumatizing experiences shaped me through the years as I battled pain, addiction, rejection, SELF rejection, shame, guilt, and a world swallowing me up in a sea of depression so deep that I knew by 25 years old I was implementing a slow painful suicide upon myself.
----BUT NOTHING HELPED----
In rehab you learn that in relapse not only do you pick up where you left off, you inevitably end up worse, and i was no exception to this rule. I in fact think I resemble quite the model poster child for a corrosive pattern of behavior.
What sucked me in deeper each time was the guilt. The incredible guilt induced the destruction and malevolence inflicted upon my mind. Daily. For what felt like forever. The shame of telling others I wanted to change and that I would be different after so many times of failure.
I did my time with counseling and different meds as well. Year after year eagerly approaching my issues and weaknesses with intensity, devotion, and optimism. Hearing time and time again how I must not have wanted to be sober enough!
I yearned for that missing piece. WHY do I always mess up? How do I allow myself to numb repeatedly in ways that harm myself extensively when I know better?
Knowledge.. I have it! Willingness, check! Medicine- yes. Support system...yes. Good Professionals, a few! Vulnerability and desire never lacked. Any normal person could pull their life together with these tools used conjointly. Couldn't they?
Not me. Soon the vulnerability shut down, and the desire became shame. Each relapse my addiction got worse. Hopelessness and loneliness lined the horizon of my miserable future. I sunk into a hole so deep, I can still only deal with a small fraction of it.
The missing piece never showed up because I couldn't make it. I failed, and would always be a failure.
At the age of 35, I have learned this is not the truth. I have a doctor who has taught me about how we can put that final piece into a successful recovery.
See, when we are conceived we have thoughts ingrained into our consciousness. Thoughts such as I will be happy, I will love myself.
As we come into this world, those thoughts are often changed or transformed during times in which we are in high states of emotion. Fear, sadness, rage, anger, physical pain name a few.
Let me give you an example. I was conceived as a happy little being. My mother and father got a divorce when I was young. My mother expressed her pain in ways that effected me. She said things to me that eluded I'd be a worthless failure. She told me regularly I was a 'f up', a worthless whore, and I'd never make anything of myself. I was an amazing kiddo at that time, but that soon changed.
The 1st chance that came available for me to rebel and prove to her how worthless I'd be was when I stole the two Marlboro Lights.
I spent 20+ years ingraining that thought and others into my brain so that I'd never be happy, and if I'd get close to happiness, I'd sabotage EVERYTHING and end up a failure. Please click on link to read part 2.
http://preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Craving Change
There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Junkie Say:Junkie Who? Middle Aged Women Using Dangerous street Drugs.
If someone tells you that women in their 20's, 30's & 40's including middle class married mothers, are at the top of the list for black tar heroin users, would you believe it?
Personally, that doesn't make much sense at first. So why give that statement much thought? Well, I can tell you firsthand that I am a mother in her 30's. I had never done BTH in my 20's or teens. Honestly, I do not have much experience even being around it. I know people who did and that was the extent of my relationship to the subject.
So why would I be surprised that my relapse after years of sobriety took place when I was doing some contract work at a clients house. A woman; an ex-model, married to an NFL player, in her 40's or 50's with children, a nice home, money, cars, and lots of friends. From the outside looking in she lived every woman's dream. A great life and didn't have to work if she chose not to. Of all of the places in all of the world I told myself to stay away from, this was nowhere near on the list.
I simply ran a small business so I could spend more time with my own children. Thrilled to work for a new client, I didn't put any red flags up at the situation. No need for my anti-drug radar to signal. Relapse was the furthest thing from my mind.
I received an invite from this client for cocktails at one of her girlfriends houses on a nice patio by a pool. This Friday night sounded perfect for the single Mom who needed a little something new to spice her dad to day up a little. The friend whose house we gathered at shared most of the characteristics in her life as my client.
A third woman, a 49 year old also joined us. She married a lawyer and had a great teenage son. From the outside she had it all!
I was enjoying myself and not expecting what came up within the first 10 minutes. Two of the women started doing lines of coke, and the 3rd went to the bathroom for what seemed like the whole night. Later I find out she is shooting up tar. This was the night of my relapse. I hadn't planned it, didn't see it coming, and did not say no.
The 4 of us look like the women you see at Whole Foods, the Country Club, any number of 'normal' everyday activities that 'happy' women are found.
It was the next day I started questioning how many happy people were doing serious narcotics on a daily basis. the answer to my question was clear as the next few weeks passed. ALOT, and most were women, although I saw many men in suits and ties with a needle.
This clearly contradicts with the things we hear about people who do cocaine, heroin, and other drugs. We hear junkie, and think of the poor person scrambling through garbage cans. Teenagers and party animals in their 20's.
Maybe this is the first thing wrong with stomping out the drug problem? One of my doctors has told me that the rise of women in their 30's and 40's that IV heroin are taking over like a tidal wave. I don't hear much about this through media, but I see it in waiting room, meetings, rehabs, and most importantly on the streets where junkies buy.
Why is this? How can we explain the lack of info on this specific type of drug user? My first reaction is that women of this age are compiled with a ton of stress, conditioned to handle it without complaint, and scared to admit it for fear of judgement.
Any thoughts or knowledge on this topic?
Personally, that doesn't make much sense at first. So why give that statement much thought? Well, I can tell you firsthand that I am a mother in her 30's. I had never done BTH in my 20's or teens. Honestly, I do not have much experience even being around it. I know people who did and that was the extent of my relationship to the subject.
So why would I be surprised that my relapse after years of sobriety took place when I was doing some contract work at a clients house. A woman; an ex-model, married to an NFL player, in her 40's or 50's with children, a nice home, money, cars, and lots of friends. From the outside looking in she lived every woman's dream. A great life and didn't have to work if she chose not to. Of all of the places in all of the world I told myself to stay away from, this was nowhere near on the list.
I simply ran a small business so I could spend more time with my own children. Thrilled to work for a new client, I didn't put any red flags up at the situation. No need for my anti-drug radar to signal. Relapse was the furthest thing from my mind.
I received an invite from this client for cocktails at one of her girlfriends houses on a nice patio by a pool. This Friday night sounded perfect for the single Mom who needed a little something new to spice her dad to day up a little. The friend whose house we gathered at shared most of the characteristics in her life as my client.
A third woman, a 49 year old also joined us. She married a lawyer and had a great teenage son. From the outside she had it all!
I was enjoying myself and not expecting what came up within the first 10 minutes. Two of the women started doing lines of coke, and the 3rd went to the bathroom for what seemed like the whole night. Later I find out she is shooting up tar. This was the night of my relapse. I hadn't planned it, didn't see it coming, and did not say no.
The 4 of us look like the women you see at Whole Foods, the Country Club, any number of 'normal' everyday activities that 'happy' women are found.
It was the next day I started questioning how many happy people were doing serious narcotics on a daily basis. the answer to my question was clear as the next few weeks passed. ALOT, and most were women, although I saw many men in suits and ties with a needle.
This clearly contradicts with the things we hear about people who do cocaine, heroin, and other drugs. We hear junkie, and think of the poor person scrambling through garbage cans. Teenagers and party animals in their 20's.
Maybe this is the first thing wrong with stomping out the drug problem? One of my doctors has told me that the rise of women in their 30's and 40's that IV heroin are taking over like a tidal wave. I don't hear much about this through media, but I see it in waiting room, meetings, rehabs, and most importantly on the streets where junkies buy.
Why is this? How can we explain the lack of info on this specific type of drug user? My first reaction is that women of this age are compiled with a ton of stress, conditioned to handle it without complaint, and scared to admit it for fear of judgement.
Any thoughts or knowledge on this topic?
When You Lose the Things You Love
I did not initially lose my children to CPS because of drugs. They were taken on allegations that were not true. A never ending war my ex waged year after year to ruin my life. I had won each time this happened in the past, because I gave them no reason to keep my kids. This time was different. This time they got a warrant to take them before I had a court date, and I died inside.
Had I kept myself together, I would have won the case and they may have come home. Instead I went back to drugs to cope with not having them home. I did not cooperate with CPS, and they still have them. I say I lose them, bit it feels like I gave them away.
Now granted, they cheated and lied in order to win their case, but that is neither here nor there. In my right mind I would have had the focus and motivation to tear them up on my court date. All those days of self loathing and sadness led to more sadness.
Today is Easter, and I find myself laying in bed mid-afternoon. It' days like this I miss them most. We always had an Easter cookout at our house after church. If I even think about these memories I breakdown. I know that the first step to getting them back is getting clean from Suboxone so that I am able to use my inner strength and not the fake strength the medicine provides. Saying it is so much easier than doing it.
I have spent so many days waking up only to wish the day was over so that I can go back to sleep. Will the opiate trap ever set me free?
As much as I am hurting, I know my children probably hurt that much more.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Heroin in Happy Meals?
Now this is some crazy stuff to me! Ordering a Happy Meal with code words will get you some smack. It doesn't surprise me that heroin is the rising drug. Check out the article... it's not too long.
http://www.drugaddictiontreatment.com/types-of-addiction/heroin-types-of-addiction/the-frightening-heroin-resurgence/
http://www.drugaddictiontreatment.com/types-of-addiction/heroin-types-of-addiction/the-frightening-heroin-resurgence/
The Opiate Trap in Full Effect!
Today the reality of what the opiate trap is all about weighed hard on my willpower. The hatred for the rope that tightens firmly around my neck. Longing for the relief it provides. The death of physical and emotional pain.
I force myself to remember the times I was stuck on the street. Desperate to score hour after hour. the sad lonely ache that never left me. I am truly feeling for the addicts out there tonight. I am thinking about them, and hoping for their safety, peace, and that they might find way out of the trap.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
I force myself to remember the times I was stuck on the street. Desperate to score hour after hour. the sad lonely ache that never left me. I am truly feeling for the addicts out there tonight. I am thinking about them, and hoping for their safety, peace, and that they might find way out of the trap.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
Friday, April 18, 2014
It's Not That Simple
Drug addiction is not a simple problem. We are a world that stereotypes. It's easy to group certain types of people into a box. We can toss drug addicts together in a population of bad people who only care about themselves. How could a we shoot heroin, smoke crack, drop acid, if we loved our family? If we cared about our friends why would we do that to them. Do we not care enough about our own children enough to stay clean?
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
The Monster.
The one inside my brain that tells me to 'eff' it all. That no matter how hard I try, I'll never be sober. Never stay sober. That it is only a matter of time until I choose to blow my mind up with narcotics.
That first hit on the crack pipe. The first shot. The one that tells you you want more. It's a liar. It's a monster. The beginning of the destruction of the dreams in your heart. The demise of the willpower to accomplish anything beyond getting high.
The monster talks to me still. I am trying to kill it, trying to wipe it's influence from my existence. My greatest fear is that the monster, at best, will only stay sleeping. That as many days or years that I might win sobriety, I will always be one step away from using again.
Somehow for today, I know that I need to ignore it. I will turn from the desire, and use the things I am learning to get me until tomorrow. I know this will quiet it to a degree. As it sits quietly in my thoughts, I can still feel it stir, wanting to find new ways to win me over again.
That first hit on the crack pipe. The first shot. The one that tells you you want more. It's a liar. It's a monster. The beginning of the destruction of the dreams in your heart. The demise of the willpower to accomplish anything beyond getting high.
The monster talks to me still. I am trying to kill it, trying to wipe it's influence from my existence. My greatest fear is that the monster, at best, will only stay sleeping. That as many days or years that I might win sobriety, I will always be one step away from using again.
Somehow for today, I know that I need to ignore it. I will turn from the desire, and use the things I am learning to get me until tomorrow. I know this will quiet it to a degree. As it sits quietly in my thoughts, I can still feel it stir, wanting to find new ways to win me over again.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Suboxone: Friend or Foe? Part One
For those of you who are not familiar with Suboxone, it is part of the opioid family. Partly synthetic, it's used for opioid addiction treatment, and sometimes for pain management. Here is a link to Wikipedia if you would like to know more.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buprenorphine
I believe that Suboxone played a crucial part in helping to save my life from continuing on the destructive and suicidal path I was on. If you have read my 'Shot in the Dark, Right at My Throat' post, you heard the mind trap I needed to battle my way out of.
Here are snippets of 3 essential components I believe we need to begin our battle to freedom.
1. A loved one who will commit to unconditionally love and support you through this process unconditionally.
2. A doctor and/or counselor that will monitor your medicine and your mental state very closely.
3. Suboxone
Let me stress the words 'to begin the battle'. as these 3 things alone will not carry us to the point of maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle. I will take each component and break it down in a post of it's own. Nothing is short or simple about recovery.
Advantages of Suboxone:
~Hinders the physical withdrawal symptoms
The horrendous withdrawal off of heroin, Vicodin, and other opiates often paralyzes us in fear. We may want to stop using and continue to use only to satiate the physical need for the drug.
~Blocks the 'high' feeling that other opiates produce. I can tell you firsthand that I tested this theory. Even with the absence of physical pain, my brain continued to tell me it wanted to use. Not only does using opiates while on Suboxone not get you high, but we are further frustrated when we have spent the money, the time, and suffered a relapse for an empty drug.
Disadvantages of Suboxone
~It is still a form of opiate, and you will have withdrawals if you stop taking it abruptly
We might say that moving from opiates to Suboxone is a lateral move if we look at it from the perspective that we will still be physically addicted to opiates.
~If used as a solution to opiate dependents I believe it will fail. Many doctors, including one of my own, treat heroin addicts with suboxone by once a month office visits, writing a new script, and never outlining any further treatment plan. Although we may not get high off of Suboxone, we are still a slave in the opiate trap. What fun is it to be in the opiate trap without the opiate high?
We only touched on the bare basics of the advantages and disadvantages of Suboxone. As we addicts know, nothing about addiction is this simple. We did not become emotion numbing, hurting drug users overnight. I am certain each of our stories once broken down hold many complex and unique situations dabbled over years...decades....a lifetime....
Sincere gratitude to my readers.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buprenorphine
I believe that Suboxone played a crucial part in helping to save my life from continuing on the destructive and suicidal path I was on. If you have read my 'Shot in the Dark, Right at My Throat' post, you heard the mind trap I needed to battle my way out of.
Here are snippets of 3 essential components I believe we need to begin our battle to freedom.
1. A loved one who will commit to unconditionally love and support you through this process unconditionally.
2. A doctor and/or counselor that will monitor your medicine and your mental state very closely.
3. Suboxone
Let me stress the words 'to begin the battle'. as these 3 things alone will not carry us to the point of maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle. I will take each component and break it down in a post of it's own. Nothing is short or simple about recovery.
Advantages of Suboxone:
~Hinders the physical withdrawal symptoms
The horrendous withdrawal off of heroin, Vicodin, and other opiates often paralyzes us in fear. We may want to stop using and continue to use only to satiate the physical need for the drug.
~Blocks the 'high' feeling that other opiates produce. I can tell you firsthand that I tested this theory. Even with the absence of physical pain, my brain continued to tell me it wanted to use. Not only does using opiates while on Suboxone not get you high, but we are further frustrated when we have spent the money, the time, and suffered a relapse for an empty drug.
Disadvantages of Suboxone
~It is still a form of opiate, and you will have withdrawals if you stop taking it abruptly
We might say that moving from opiates to Suboxone is a lateral move if we look at it from the perspective that we will still be physically addicted to opiates.
~If used as a solution to opiate dependents I believe it will fail. Many doctors, including one of my own, treat heroin addicts with suboxone by once a month office visits, writing a new script, and never outlining any further treatment plan. Although we may not get high off of Suboxone, we are still a slave in the opiate trap. What fun is it to be in the opiate trap without the opiate high?
We only touched on the bare basics of the advantages and disadvantages of Suboxone. As we addicts know, nothing about addiction is this simple. We did not become emotion numbing, hurting drug users overnight. I am certain each of our stories once broken down hold many complex and unique situations dabbled over years...decades....a lifetime....
Sincere gratitude to my readers.
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