The Long gap in the time frames between my posts were present because of my relapses. Writing was something I was able to do for the year or so that I was off the wagon due to my conciouss effort to journal what was taking place during my using days. Even though I did not publish my thoughts, I did my best to record them frequently. I decided long before the relapse that should I ever use in the future I wanted to be able to reflect on what was going on in my mind, and in my everyday life. I knew I could always type them up and publish them in my future. However if I did not write anything, I woulld certainly not look back, and my memory is certainly not up to par when I fry it daily.
That relapse was May 2014. Since then so mch has happened. Wanna know what?
Rehabs, Rehabs, A-walling, fear, rehabs, boys, unconditional love from mt father.
And the man. Who stole my heart and won't give up.
Next blog...about a boy... will tell this story.
Showing posts with label junkie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label junkie. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2016
Friday, September 18, 2015
Functional Junkie: Revisited
In my post preceding this post called functional junkie, I gave my perspective and opinion as to whether or not a junkie can ever 'really' function while using. I thought I would come and re-write my perspective. It's been a while since I read that post, and I want to put out my thoughts in this secondary post so that I can compare the two and see if there are any similarities or differences in my opinion.
I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have.
I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.
To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning.
An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober.
As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.
I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have.
I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.
To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning.
An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober.
As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Functional Junkie
Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Vent Don't Use: Addicts Helping Addicts
I posted this on http://suboxonestopping.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..?
One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.
Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to
That's not you talking ........
Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?
Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?
My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!
To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.
Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through.
Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...
One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.
Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to
That's not you talking ........
Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?
Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?
My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!
To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.
Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through.
Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Craving Change
There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Heroin in Happy Meals?
Now this is some crazy stuff to me! Ordering a Happy Meal with code words will get you some smack. It doesn't surprise me that heroin is the rising drug. Check out the article... it's not too long.
http://www.drugaddictiontreatment.com/types-of-addiction/heroin-types-of-addiction/the-frightening-heroin-resurgence/
http://www.drugaddictiontreatment.com/types-of-addiction/heroin-types-of-addiction/the-frightening-heroin-resurgence/
The Opiate Trap in Full Effect!
Today the reality of what the opiate trap is all about weighed hard on my willpower. The hatred for the rope that tightens firmly around my neck. Longing for the relief it provides. The death of physical and emotional pain.
I force myself to remember the times I was stuck on the street. Desperate to score hour after hour. the sad lonely ache that never left me. I am truly feeling for the addicts out there tonight. I am thinking about them, and hoping for their safety, peace, and that they might find way out of the trap.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
I force myself to remember the times I was stuck on the street. Desperate to score hour after hour. the sad lonely ache that never left me. I am truly feeling for the addicts out there tonight. I am thinking about them, and hoping for their safety, peace, and that they might find way out of the trap.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
Friday, April 18, 2014
It's Not That Simple
Drug addiction is not a simple problem. We are a world that stereotypes. It's easy to group certain types of people into a box. We can toss drug addicts together in a population of bad people who only care about themselves. How could a we shoot heroin, smoke crack, drop acid, if we loved our family? If we cared about our friends why would we do that to them. Do we not care enough about our own children enough to stay clean?
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
It's Okay Not To Suffer?
I kinda want to title this one, "IS It Okay Not To Suffer?" I mean, I AM a junkie, right? Getting clean is not supposed to be a walk in the park. We reap what we sow, and junkie life sows nothing but turmoil and garbage.
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Monday, April 14, 2014
The Obsession with Obessioning
I remember over a decade ago when my first thought as I woke was a pain pill. Followed by thoughts of how to take less that day. More thoughts of how to prolong that first pill. Obsessing over every aspect of using, and not using.
It was less than a week into my first shot of Heroin in which my first awakening thought questioned how I would get high. Where would the money come from today? How about the gas? All the plotting and planning to stay even. Only to go rock that score and start the planning over again.
Mindless and endless hours of obsession.
This is what I refer to as the opiate trap.
Today I find myself waking up to question how many suboxone do I have left? I am running low. How can I make that one last? Should I order more from the pharmacy? Maybe today is my last day? Thoughts dive straight into fear. Will I get dope sick?!
And slowly my mind tells my brain to shut down so I can focus on my actual day.
When there are no more drugs to take, no more pills for withdrawal, no more schedules or tapers, what will my mind obsess on my first waking thought of the daylight?
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