The deeper our pain- the better the high - the worse our addiction.
After my children were taken from me, I remember thinking why get up in the morning? What is the point of grocery shopping, cleaning, working, smiling, living? You get the point.It became easy to use cocaine again. I swore off trying heroin for 33 years of my life because I knew what vicodin, oxys, and other opiates did for me. My fear of crossing that line was because I knew that I was barely ok on the pills. Heroin did everything I imagined multiplied a thousand times! My addiction quickly gave me the gift of 'eff it'. I was able to think about nothing else. (I wrote about my first time in Shot in the Dark Right at My Throat post)
That was exactly what I wanted. I did not know how to even begin to face coping with the pain of my children being gone. So I bailed on life. The russian roulette doesn't last long before you are an entirely different human being or dead. Heroin will always win as long as we join in the game. Hell it wins with some of us who try to surrender!
After some pretty crappy days strung together amounting to a long list of doubts about myself and reasons I won't make it on the sober track, I finally get it. It's still part of the trap! All my negative thoughts and fear of failure. My inability to cope rationally with small things. Drugs are still trying to tighten the nuice around my neck. I can't let it.
Hearing support and hope from addicts like me helps. They prove to me it's possible to do what feels impossible.
I am not sure that my day is any easier, but my brain knows these other addicts are proof that a good life is possible, and that helps me to hold on another day.
I read an article about ex-junkies and what they had to say about Phillip Seymour Hoffman dying of an overdose after 23 years clean from heroin. It comes from this link if you wanna read it: http://www.alternet.org/drugs/37-quotes-heroin-users-addiction-and-struggle-stay-sober
I chose a few to share...