Life issues can come at us from different perspectives, no matter what they are. For example, I won $10 on a $2 Lottery ticket. I only won $10 vs. I have $8 more than I did a few minutes ago.
I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.
Here is that word again. FEAR.
Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.
Victories.
Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!
Showing posts with label heroin addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heroin addiction. Show all posts
Monday, January 25, 2016
Backtracking an update
The Long gap in the time frames between my posts were present because of my relapses. Writing was something I was able to do for the year or so that I was off the wagon due to my conciouss effort to journal what was taking place during my using days. Even though I did not publish my thoughts, I did my best to record them frequently. I decided long before the relapse that should I ever use in the future I wanted to be able to reflect on what was going on in my mind, and in my everyday life. I knew I could always type them up and publish them in my future. However if I did not write anything, I woulld certainly not look back, and my memory is certainly not up to par when I fry it daily.
That relapse was May 2014. Since then so mch has happened. Wanna know what?
Rehabs, Rehabs, A-walling, fear, rehabs, boys, unconditional love from mt father.
And the man. Who stole my heart and won't give up.
Next blog...about a boy... will tell this story.
That relapse was May 2014. Since then so mch has happened. Wanna know what?
Rehabs, Rehabs, A-walling, fear, rehabs, boys, unconditional love from mt father.
And the man. Who stole my heart and won't give up.
Next blog...about a boy... will tell this story.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Never Stop Fighting! Please!
A Saturday phone call to my Mother enlisted a reminder of some of the last words my daughter spoke to me as she was being ripped from my arms by CPS.
"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...
How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....
Somehow we know we can never stop fighting.
"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...
How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....
Somehow we know we can never stop fighting.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Little Magic Pill
I found myself asking the questions that I have asked for years, how do people quit? What is the key? Is there a little magic pill?
Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.
Does this mean that Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.
My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point. Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict. OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said.
I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to.
There is just so so much more involved in recovery.
While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.
If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)
~J
Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.
Does this mean that Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.
My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point. Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict. OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said.
I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to.
There is just so so much more involved in recovery.
While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.
If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)
~J
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Smacksomnia
As shitty as it is not sleeping coming off dope, it's the least hard of them all.'them all' meaning all other attempts.
Here's y:
1 my man
2 my man
3down to 20
4 valium
5 my man
6xanax
7 adderrall
8 my man
9 hope in the form of my son.
10 hope in the form of my daughter
I FUCKING HATE DOPE SICKNESS! BUT THIS IS IT. MY GUT TELLS ME I'M DONE NOW. Like really done.
I know I haven't written about it, but I met an amazing man. A real man. I told him it's like Pretty Woman middle class ;)....
Not alot of junkies get this chance.
What I really need is two valium a 12 ,minute walk and to F*** my man something epic.--- after all he has endured a LOT w me.
I really would like to encourage comments on this post. Those of u who have made it outta the trap, or anyone who cares enough to hot a little word.
Please feel free in your comments to request something from me in return.I'm more than willing.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Manhunt understanding fear.
Here I come to another time line. By Friday I'll be dope free. New motives. New relationships. Perhaps a new improved approach.
As I sit outside my bedroom window; grasping my sweaty cigarette I begin the desperate manhunt! Tips to beat the depression is what set this hunt in motion.
My fear of being unable to fight the depression without the fickle comfort of my loaded syringe. Fear.. Fear. Fear.
Fear is something I speak of often. I believe with all certainty that fear resides as the obstacle I've yet to overcome. Recognizing, understanding, and my fears will indeed b the last step before my full recovery begins.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Functional Junkie
Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 
On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.
My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.
In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control.
Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used.
This and That WTF?! The Sobriety Trap
WTF stands the choice phrase I use for almost any and everything. Cuz most of the time I just don't fucking get it. I feel like such an odd one out most places. I can't tell you how many hours a day I spend wondering why the fuck I was made an oddball, and a heroin addict. With a fucking IQ of a hundred zillion. I mean.... WTF???!
One of the most exhausting aspects of the 'sobriety trap' (as I painfully mock it) is the perpetual back and forth between sober days and using days. Lying to myself as I carefully prepare my needle just so. I confidently tell myself, this will be the last time. I know that I can wean down after this shot...and the withdrawals won't be so bad. Too bad this goal planning was birthed after my most recent bump...less than five minutes ago. Now through my optimistic, opiate induced haze, I am ready to rock the world!
When memory serves only as a precursor for the positive aspects of a truly negative situation when you know that you will most likely be enduring the agonizing sickness sitting before you at the very moment. My brain feels tangled up in a fat, tight, wadded mess.
Do I not understand what a 3% success recovery rate is? In my mind, as much hard guilt and shame I pile onto my conscious, I think I still hold out hope that good overcomes. That I can overcome anything, against all obstacles.The childlike faith -that- convinced me I could dive straight into the living room carpet using all of my body strength. I fantasied until I believed that carpet would be a big, dark ocean filled with mermaids and dolphins frolicking about. I mean, this isn't a joke. I was the type of child who lived by blind faith that good would overcome. Believing it is seeing it. If you build it, it will come. Enough with the cliches.,.,..
As I ask myself weeks after weeks into years, what's the secret? What do people do to get through this? They don't. People die from this because it is such a fucking nightmare. 97% of humans who try the shit will DIE from it.This includes IV, smokers, and 'monkey water' users.
This is the all over the place blog, that I will most def have to go back and sort through before I make it public. I am on the first day of shitty withdrawals. Voluntarily and wanting cold turkey, this is the route I have chosen to take. I'd say this is around the 20th time I started the withdrawal process in the last three years since I started using heroin. Prior to that I rode this same merry go round with vicodin, lortabs, and hydrocodone. A minimum of 50 times is what I would guess as the number of times I started withdrawal process during that decade. I am referring to a life that was no joke, and still isn't. I am very familiar with how horrendous the withdrawals are. I know now something that I didn't know the first time started to go into withdrawals.
One of the most exhausting aspects of the 'sobriety trap' (as I painfully mock it) is the perpetual back and forth between sober days and using days. Lying to myself as I carefully prepare my needle just so. I confidently tell myself, this will be the last time. I know that I can wean down after this shot...and the withdrawals won't be so bad. Too bad this goal planning was birthed after my most recent bump...less than five minutes ago. Now through my optimistic, opiate induced haze, I am ready to rock the world!
When memory serves only as a precursor for the positive aspects of a truly negative situation when you know that you will most likely be enduring the agonizing sickness sitting before you at the very moment. My brain feels tangled up in a fat, tight, wadded mess.
Do I not understand what a 3% success recovery rate is? In my mind, as much hard guilt and shame I pile onto my conscious, I think I still hold out hope that good overcomes. That I can overcome anything, against all obstacles.The childlike faith -that- convinced me I could dive straight into the living room carpet using all of my body strength. I fantasied until I believed that carpet would be a big, dark ocean filled with mermaids and dolphins frolicking about. I mean, this isn't a joke. I was the type of child who lived by blind faith that good would overcome. Believing it is seeing it. If you build it, it will come. Enough with the cliches.,.,..
As I ask myself weeks after weeks into years, what's the secret? What do people do to get through this? They don't. People die from this because it is such a fucking nightmare. 97% of humans who try the shit will DIE from it.This includes IV, smokers, and 'monkey water' users.
This is the all over the place blog, that I will most def have to go back and sort through before I make it public. I am on the first day of shitty withdrawals. Voluntarily and wanting cold turkey, this is the route I have chosen to take. I'd say this is around the 20th time I started the withdrawal process in the last three years since I started using heroin. Prior to that I rode this same merry go round with vicodin, lortabs, and hydrocodone. A minimum of 50 times is what I would guess as the number of times I started withdrawal process during that decade. I am referring to a life that was no joke, and still isn't. I am very familiar with how horrendous the withdrawals are. I know now something that I didn't know the first time started to go into withdrawals.
Monday, April 14, 2014
The Obsession with Obessioning
I remember over a decade ago when my first thought as I woke was a pain pill. Followed by thoughts of how to take less that day. More thoughts of how to prolong that first pill. Obsessing over every aspect of using, and not using.
It was less than a week into my first shot of Heroin in which my first awakening thought questioned how I would get high. Where would the money come from today? How about the gas? All the plotting and planning to stay even. Only to go rock that score and start the planning over again.
Mindless and endless hours of obsession.
This is what I refer to as the opiate trap.
Today I find myself waking up to question how many suboxone do I have left? I am running low. How can I make that one last? Should I order more from the pharmacy? Maybe today is my last day? Thoughts dive straight into fear. Will I get dope sick?!
And slowly my mind tells my brain to shut down so I can focus on my actual day.
When there are no more drugs to take, no more pills for withdrawal, no more schedules or tapers, what will my mind obsess on my first waking thought of the daylight?
Saturday, April 12, 2014
The Who
Welcome. If you have stumbled upon this page perhaps you are interested in the subject of opiates. Now I am not YET a PhD in this field, but I have been trapped in the dark, tumultuous world of drugs for a very long time. Tolerating myself through the sober years and suffering through mind numbing wreckage during times I spent actively using.
If you have tried an opiate, are addicted to opiates, experienced opiate withdrawal or known someone in the opiate trap; we can relate.
Addicted to painkillers for many years, and more recently trading that in for heroin, I've taken many rides on the rickety, unstable, roller coaster of hell. Methadone and Suboxone provided me a way out from black tar heroin. A safety net I will always be grateful for, but most certainly not the end of the road. I am currently on an intensive plan to wean off of Suboxone. I have danced a dance with all the members of the opiate family. I've yet to encounter one who has not let me down.
I know my sharing my story serves a purpose and that my blog needs readers. I'm hopeful those readers direct the hurting opiate addicted human beings to this page. I do not write for hedonistic pleasure, but to be a light for hurting people. My own wreckage can only be salvaged by passing on knowledge and lending an ear who has no judgement to those in the midst of turmoil.
My primary intention is serving the anxious, tormented, and tortured souls stuck in the opiate trap.
I will provide a resource to educate anyone about opiates, physical addiction, mental addiction, and brain chemistry, as well as tangible and practical recovery steps. It is my deepest hope that you and your loved ones will find solace and your own unique and successful direction through my experience.
If you have tried an opiate, are addicted to opiates, experienced opiate withdrawal or known someone in the opiate trap; we can relate.
Addicted to painkillers for many years, and more recently trading that in for heroin, I've taken many rides on the rickety, unstable, roller coaster of hell. Methadone and Suboxone provided me a way out from black tar heroin. A safety net I will always be grateful for, but most certainly not the end of the road. I am currently on an intensive plan to wean off of Suboxone. I have danced a dance with all the members of the opiate family. I've yet to encounter one who has not let me down.
I know my sharing my story serves a purpose and that my blog needs readers. I'm hopeful those readers direct the hurting opiate addicted human beings to this page. I do not write for hedonistic pleasure, but to be a light for hurting people. My own wreckage can only be salvaged by passing on knowledge and lending an ear who has no judgement to those in the midst of turmoil.
My primary intention is serving the anxious, tormented, and tortured souls stuck in the opiate trap.
I will provide a resource to educate anyone about opiates, physical addiction, mental addiction, and brain chemistry, as well as tangible and practical recovery steps. It is my deepest hope that you and your loved ones will find solace and your own unique and successful direction through my experience.
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