Hope VS. Fear---Is Fear stronger?

Poll On right!  Please comment w/ answer 5. Feel free to comment on ANY opinion!

Functional Junkie

Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.

On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.

My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.

In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control. 

Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 

Heroin in Happy Meals?

Now this is some crazy stuff to me! Ordering a Happy Meal with code words will get you some smack. It doesn't surprise me that heroin is the rising drug.  Check out the article... it's not too long.

http://www.drugaddictiontreatment.com/types-of-addiction/heroin-types-of-addiction/the-frightening-heroin-resurgence/

It's Not That Simple

Drug addiction is not a simple problem. We are a world that stereotypes. It's easy to group certain types of people into a box. We can toss drug addicts together in a population of bad people who only care about themselves. How could a we shoot heroin, smoke crack, drop acid, if we loved our family? If we cared about our friends why would we do that to them. Do we not care enough about our own children enough to stay clean?

These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.

Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"

I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes. 

So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?

Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time. 

I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.

Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery. 

The Who

Welcome. If you have stumbled upon this page perhaps you are interested in the subject of opiates. Now I am not YET a PhD in this field, but I have been trapped in the dark, tumultuous world of drugs for a very long time. Tolerating myself  through the sober years and suffering through mind numbing wreckage during times I spent actively using. 

If you have tried an opiate, are addicted to opiates, experienced opiate withdrawal or known someone in the opiate trap; we can relate. 

Addicted to painkillers for many years, and more recently trading that in for heroin, I've taken many rides on the rickety, unstable, roller coaster of hell. Methadone and Suboxone provided me a way out from black tar heroin. A safety net I will always be grateful for, but most certainly not the end of the road. I am currently on an intensive plan to wean off of Suboxone. I have danced a dance with all the members of the opiate family. I've yet to encounter one who has not let me down. 

I know my sharing my story serves a purpose and that my blog needs readers. I'm hopeful those readers direct the hurting opiate addicted human beings to this page. I do not write for hedonistic pleasure, but to be a light for hurting people. My own wreckage can only be salvaged by passing on knowledge and lending an ear who has no judgement to those in the midst of turmoil.

My primary intention is serving the anxious, tormented, and tortured souls stuck in the opiate trap.

I will  provide a resource to educate anyone about opiates, physical addiction, mental addiction, and brain chemistry, as well as tangible and practical recovery steps. It is my deepest hope that you and your loved ones will find solace and your own unique and successful direction through my experience.