Sunday, August 23, 2015

Which will kill me first? Loneliness or insomnia?

Let me begin by stressing I hate cliches. We r not cloned robots... however... I put o e. ;)

So....will insomnia or loneliness kill me first before this heroin withdrawing ends?

I say neither cuz I swear I'll beat this mother fuckeR this time.

I have something waiting for my healing. We all do.

I'm relatively sure that the experiences I've had in this short 3 to 4 years isn't for nothing. Cuz every smack junkie I've spoken with has never come close to the Rocky road I've traveled.

Why why why me.?

If there's a God I beg for undeserving mercy.

But on the other hand,thanks for the mad props. God u must think my Influence is capable...

So no matter what I'll never turn my back on a H junkie. Regardless if I ever put the needle down.

I hope when I'm 90 the heroin recovery rTe goes from 3%to75%


As shitty as it is not sleeping coming off dope, it's the least hard of them all.'them all' meaning all other attempts. 

Here's y:

1 my man 
2 my man
3down to 20
4 valium
5 my man
7 adderrall
8 my man
9 hope in the form of my son. 
10 hope in the form of my daughter


I know I haven't written about it, but I met an amazing man. A real man. I told him it's like Pretty Woman middle class ;)....

Not alot of junkies get this chance. 

What I really need is two valium a 12 ,minute walk and to F*** my man something epic.--- after all he has endured a LOT w me.

I really would like to encourage comments on this post. Those of u who have made it outta the trap, or anyone who cares enough to hot a little word. 

Please feel free in your comments to request something from me in return.I'm more than willing.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Manhunt understanding fear.

Here I come to another time line. By Friday I'll be dope free. New motives. New relationships. Perhaps a new improved approach.

As I sit outside my bedroom window; grasping my sweaty cigarette I begin the desperate manhunt! Tips to beat the depression is what6iu set  this hunt in motion.

My fear of being unable to fight the depression without the fickle comfort of my loaded syringe.7 Fear.. Fear. Fear.

Fear is something I speak of often. I believe with all certainty that fear resides as the obstacle I've yet to overcome. Recognizing, understanding, and u my fears will indeed b the last step before my full recoveury begins.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Functional Junkie

Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.

On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.

My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.

In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control. 

Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 

This and That WTF?! The Sobriety Trap

WTF stands the choice phrase I use for almost any and everything. Cuz most of the time I just don't fucking get it. I feel like such an odd one out most places. I can't tell you how many hours a day I spend wondering why the fuck I was made an oddball, and a heroin addict. With a fucking IQ of a hundred zillion. I mean.... WTF???! 

One of the most exhausting aspects of the 'sobriety trap' (as I painfully mock it) is the perpetual back and forth between sober days and using days. Lying to myself as I carefully prepare my needle just so. I confidently tell myself, this will be the last time. I know that I can wean down after this shot...and the withdrawals won't be so bad.  Too bad this goal planning  was birthed after my most recent bump...less than five minutes ago.  Now through my optimistic, opiate induced haze, I am ready to rock the world!

When memory serves only as a precursor for the positive aspects of a truly negative situation              when you know that you will most likely be enduring the agonizing sickness sitting before you at the very moment. My brain feels tangled up in a fat, tight, wadded mess.  

Do I not understand what a 3% success recovery rate is? In my mind, as much hard guilt and shame I pile onto my conscious, I think I still hold out hope that good overcomes. That I can overcome anything, against all obstacles.The childlike faith -that- convinced me I could dive straight into the living room carpet using all of my body strength. I fantasied until I believed that carpet would be a big, dark ocean filled with mermaids and dolphins frolicking about.  I mean, this isn't a joke. I was the type of child who lived by blind faith that good would overcome. Believing it is seeing it. If you build it, it will come. Enough with the cliches.,.,..

As I ask myself weeks after weeks into years, what's the secret? What do people do to get through this?  They don't. People die from this because it is such a fucking nightmare. 97% of humans who try the shit will DIE from it.This includes IV, smokers, and 'monkey water' users.

This is the all over the place blog, that I will most def have to go back and sort through before I make it public. I am on the first day of shitty withdrawals. Voluntarily and wanting cold turkey, this is the route I have chosen to take. I'd say this is around the 20th time I started the withdrawal process in the last three years since I started using heroin. Prior to that I rode this same merry go round with vicodin, lortabs, and hydrocodone. A minimum of 50 times is what I would guess as the number of times I started withdrawal process during that decade.  I am referring to a life that was no joke, and still isn't. I am very familiar with how horrendous the withdrawals are. I know now something that I didn't know the first time started to go into withdrawals.