Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2 sides to every story. (And sometimes more)

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 


So I post the negative things as self awareness and in hope that you who may wanna tackle opiate detox one day may come across something you might not have thought of. 


In my experience, the knowledge, stories, and advice I have recieved from other addicts have helped me far beyond most of the professional help I have sought. b 


Anyways, back to day 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Never Stop Fighting! Please!

A Saturday phone call to my Mother enlisted a reminder of some of the last words my daughter spoke to me as she was being ripped from my arms by CPS.  

"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...


How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....

Somehow we know we can never stop fighting. 







Friday, September 18, 2015

Functional Junkie: Revisited

In my post preceding this post called functional junkie, I gave my perspective and opinion as to whether or not a junkie can ever 'really' function while using. I thought I would come and re-write my perspective. It's been a while since I read that post, and I want to put out my thoughts in this secondary post so that I can compare the two and see if there are any similarities or differences in my opinion. 

I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have. 

I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.

 To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning. 

 An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober. 

As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.  

Little Magic Pill

I found myself asking the questions that I have asked for years, how do people quit?  What is the key? Is there a little magic pill?

Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.

Does this mean that  Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.

My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point.  Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict.  OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said. 

I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to. 

There is just so so much more involved in recovery. 

While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.  

If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)

~J

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Which will kill me first? Loneliness or insomnia?

Let me begin by stressing I hate cliches. We r not cloned robots... however... I put o e. ;)

So....will insomnia or loneliness kill me first before this heroin withdrawing ends?

I say neither cuz I swear I'll beat this mother fuckeR this time.

I have something waiting for my healing. We all do.

I'm relatively sure that the experiences I've had in this short 3 to 4 years isn't for nothing. Cuz every smack junkie I've spoken with has never come close to the Rocky road I've traveled.

Why why why me.?

If there's a God I beg for undeserving mercy.

But on the other hand,thanks for the mad props. God u must think my Influence is capable...

So no matter what I'll never turn my back on a H junkie. Regardless if I ever put the needle down.

I hope when I'm 90 the heroin recovery rTe goes from 3%to75%


Smacksomnia

As shitty as it is not sleeping coming off dope, it's the least hard of them all.'them all' meaning all other attempts. 

Here's y:

1 my man 
2 my man
3down to 20
4 valium
5 my man
6xanax
7 adderrall
8 my man
9 hope in the form of my son. 
10 hope in the form of my daughter

I FUCKING HATE DOPE SICKNESS! BUT THIS IS IT. MY GUT TELLS ME I'M DONE NOW. Like really done. 


I know I haven't written about it, but I met an amazing man. A real man. I told him it's like Pretty Woman middle class ;)....

Not alot of junkies get this chance. 

What I really need is two valium a 12 ,minute walk and to F*** my man something epic.--- after all he has endured a LOT w me.

I really would like to encourage comments on this post. Those of u who have made it outta the trap, or anyone who cares enough to hot a little word. 


Please feel free in your comments to request something from me in return.I'm more than willing.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Manhunt understanding fear.

Here I come to another time line. By Friday I'll be dope free. New motives. New relationships. Perhaps a new improved approach.

As I sit outside my bedroom window; grasping my sweaty cigarette I begin the desperate manhunt! Tips to beat the depression is what6iu set  this hunt in motion.

My fear of being unable to fight the depression without the fickle comfort of my loaded syringe.7 Fear.. Fear. Fear.

Fear is something I speak of often. I believe with all certainty that fear resides as the obstacle I've yet to overcome. Recognizing, understanding, and u my fears will indeed b the last step before my full recoveury begins.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Functional Junkie

Is it possible to be a functional junkie? I'd venture to say that while a junkie might muster up some sort of half witted functionality, it wouldn't stick.

On pills I could function. The madness showed up when my supply started to run low. Panic sets in before that actually happens,and for me, by the time I scrambled up a way to fund and score my pills; panic, guilt, and shame recycled through my body more than once. I'd be a wreck by the time I popped that little savior, and boy did that make the annihilation of the nasty, dope sick that had been emerging even that much sweeter. Trapped.

My last relapse was different. I can systematically list out the steps I took to get to relapse and the everyday things that were changing in me which ultimately led to what I believe was my demise. Many of my downward spiraling steps came from my degenerating thoughts about myself and my life, but there were things I know people around me could see. Unfortunately between myself and the people around me lie a disconnect wide enough that I'd crumble to bits in less than a year.

In essence I am only trying to say that in my opinion heroin addiction cannot live simultaneous with being functional in society. One's world becomes only about heroin. The physical need continuously rises, the financial burden steadily heavies, and the emotional turmoil gets out of control. 

Having said that, I think it is the only drug that I have not been able to function on. At least on a level; at which no one suspected I used. 

This and That WTF?! The Sobriety Trap

WTF stands the choice phrase I use for almost any and everything. Cuz most of the time I just don't fucking get it. I feel like such an odd one out most places. I can't tell you how many hours a day I spend wondering why the fuck I was made an oddball, and a heroin addict. With a fucking IQ of a hundred zillion. I mean.... WTF???! 


One of the most exhausting aspects of the 'sobriety trap' (as I painfully mock it) is the perpetual back and forth between sober days and using days. Lying to myself as I carefully prepare my needle just so. I confidently tell myself, this will be the last time. I know that I can wean down after this shot...and the withdrawals won't be so bad.  Too bad this goal planning  was birthed after my most recent bump...less than five minutes ago.  Now through my optimistic, opiate induced haze, I am ready to rock the world!


When memory serves only as a precursor for the positive aspects of a truly negative situation              when you know that you will most likely be enduring the agonizing sickness sitting before you at the very moment. My brain feels tangled up in a fat, tight, wadded mess.  



Do I not understand what a 3% success recovery rate is? In my mind, as much hard guilt and shame I pile onto my conscious, I think I still hold out hope that good overcomes. That I can overcome anything, against all obstacles.The childlike faith -that- convinced me I could dive straight into the living room carpet using all of my body strength. I fantasied until I believed that carpet would be a big, dark ocean filled with mermaids and dolphins frolicking about.  I mean, this isn't a joke. I was the type of child who lived by blind faith that good would overcome. Believing it is seeing it. If you build it, it will come. Enough with the cliches.,.,..


As I ask myself weeks after weeks into years, what's the secret? What do people do to get through this?  They don't. People die from this because it is such a fucking nightmare. 97% of humans who try the shit will DIE from it.This includes IV, smokers, and 'monkey water' users.



This is the all over the place blog, that I will most def have to go back and sort through before I make it public. I am on the first day of shitty withdrawals. Voluntarily and wanting cold turkey, this is the route I have chosen to take. I'd say this is around the 20th time I started the withdrawal process in the last three years since I started using heroin. Prior to that I rode this same merry go round with vicodin, lortabs, and hydrocodone. A minimum of 50 times is what I would guess as the number of times I started withdrawal process during that decade.  I am referring to a life that was no joke, and still isn't. I am very familiar with how horrendous the withdrawals are. I know now something that I didn't know the first time started to go into withdrawals.