Friday, January 27, 2017

Sometimes we are brats

In the eye of te storm.
This morning I woke up very early. My weekend of slumber decided to kick me back out into the real world again. I'm not mad at it though. In fact I am happpy that it possibly means I will fall asleep before 5am, and I can begin cycling back onto a semi normal schedule.
As usual over the last week, my attitude sucked from the moment I opened my eyes. 

It is an irritating situation when you are such a grouch that you don't even want to deal with your own self.

On the bright side, once you get to that point of utter stagnancy and annoyance, making a bold move seems more favorable than continuing along the road of blah.
I am not sure if it was luck or chance or fate... you can call it what you want, but a necasary turning point took place for me today.

 My personal belief is that people have been praying for me on the many days I haven't been able to believe I am worth praying for myself. I woke up at an early 6:30am.

I planted myself on the carpet in my den and switched on the TV. What do ya know, the first thing that I hear on the channel happens to be an exact replica of what I am NOT doing right in my life. If I wanted to be cliche and genericly untrue I could say that this surprised me, but in fact it is quite the opposite. I find the world is made up of all sorts of things that I cannot understand but somehow bring harmony and existence together in a way that 'fits' ito our individual paths.

Simply put- we are given signs and secrets to help us navigate our future in a positive way. However we might not position ourselves in a way that we can accept or even hear what is loudly being projected right in front of us.
Thank God for those times that we are!
If things in life were happening exactly the way that we wanted, everything lined up, financial burdens at ease, and relationships operating along in great way, how would I be acting today?

Would I wake up in a state of anger? Barely pulling my tired body out of bed. Exerting almost all of my energy into erasing the permanent scowl morphed onto my face?
Most likely I'd bounce up cheerfully and excited for the day. What trials and tribulations can I not conquer if things are how I want them?
Why need faith on those days? I'd be sailing along with ease.

Here are the next things that came out of that TV and into my brain.

If I can learn how to do the right thing while I am hurting, then no devil in hell that can keep me from the palace. I have to learn to do what is right while I am hurting. To do what is right when right things are not happening to me.
When I hurt I need to do what I'd do if everything in my life was going exactly the way I want it to.

When I am hurting I need to act how I would if I was not hurting at all.

When I am really hurting it takes alot of discipline to do what is right.
Self control means we control ourself.

Excuse: I can't help it! YES I CAN!
Pain can rule my behavior.

Wow. Talk about preaching to the choir!
Here is an outline of what I got from the show I watched.

1. When I am hurting do not counter attack and go wild.
~gonna do anything I wanna do
~gonna eat what I want
~gonna buy whatever I want
? How is that gonna get the get me to where I want?
2. Do not withdrawal, isolate,q sulk, have a pity party. Sit around and get depressed.
I can be pitiful and powerful but I can't be both at the same time.
Someone else on this planet is hurting worse than me. (wow)
3. do not believe the lie that God is punishing me for something I have done in the past.
Not the biz that God is in

God remembers our sin no more when we ask for forgiveness.
It is a lie to say I cant get over my wrongs
4. do not blame God and get mad at him.
My disappointments come from me not getting what I want.
5. when i am hurting do not give up and think I have no way out.
6. do not passivly accept injustice- fight it
when i am in the middle hurting sooo bad i need to do all the good i can do for as many peole as i can as often as i can.

This is the best strategy to move forward!
Overcome evil with good.!!!!!

I am not gonna win with a bad attitude r hating everyone...being jealous...
Trust that my life can be good.
work good out of bad things
7. when i am hurting, keep my commitments. keep my word. do what i tell people i would do. I will in no way break my commitment.

Do i wanna be one of those people who does not keep commitments.

Get honor back.

What is honor.
Do what is right b/c it is right.
Be a person of my word!!!!!!
Hang on to my integrity- it is in these times that build character
If I am hurting so bad i can't stand it and i keep my commitments .

HOW AM I GONNA ACT IN THE MIDDLE? (I haven't been doing great so far)

anyone can do whats right when things are good, not many people can do whats right when things are horrible.
Bad days are ok but for the most part who do i wanna be?
I know that it has been hard to stay in a bad attitude since I have been mulling over these perspectives. Needless to say, today was a better day, and I believe I will have better days ahead.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Letting Cravings Draw on Strength- or Weakness

Today I have thought about using heroin.  A lot.  I guess I could consider it a feat that I am sitting here on a Saturday night writing about it, as opposed to shooting it into my vein.  My shrink told me on Friday that  I should practice feeling all of my feelings, and all the scenarios that come to my thoughts instead of bottling them up inside.  So let me attempt to do surgery on my wayward brain.  

I haven't thought so much as how to get heroin, or let myself get to the point of feening like I used to.  I would describe it more as fleeting thoughts about the 'feeling' that it gives me.  For instance.  I look down and see my veins coming back into my skin. I immediately associate that with a place to put my syringe, and then I think momentarily of the feeling that comes after that shot.  Or better put- the lack of feeling.  The ability that heroin gives me to block out the pain that has come flooding relentlessly back into my heart since I have been sober.  

My daughter.  How I miss her. How I miss everything about her.  How I think if the pain I put her through by not fighting for her.  Then comes the anger. To the people who have made it uncomfortably painful for us to communicate lately. How I want to talk to her and see her everyday.  but somehow in their brains- feeble close minded righteous brains in my opinion- it has been better for her to have no mother at all than to have me.  

I flashback to the courtroom where I lost her. I replay the lies of her father. The lies of her Grandmother. The lies of the government appointed child welfare people who barely knew any of us.  I can't take it back, but if I use again I can't ever get her back.  

I think of my son. Whom I haven't spoken to in years until about 6 weeks ago.  I think of how I miss him.  How I wish I could get both of them to understand what 'really' happened.  Hindsight right?

I think of my fiance. My savior. My rock. the man who literally, physically, and mentally lifted me from the trenches when I was drowning.  Who helped me back onto the ground  and then carried me until I could stand on my own two feet again. How that everyday he makes it a point to make me smile.  For no reason except that he loves me. I have never had that before. I think about how much I love him, and the life I have with him.. The future I dream about having with him.  

I think about the days I used.  Lets refer to them as the dark days.  Where 
I did, saw, and felt things so horrendous I can't even put them into words.  Not even on paper.  The darkest days of my life. 

I think of all of these things and I beg for my thoughts to go somewhere besides that feeling that heroin gave me.  I sit and stare into space hoping thatI won't succumb to it's trickery ever again.  If I ever had a chance to alter the course of my life permanently; it's now.  

I'm set up in a position for my dreams to come true, and to dream new things that I could never fathom with a needle in my arm.  those days I dreamed of dying- of falling asleep and never waking up.  As I bring this to an end I can genuinely say that it feels like freedom. To be able to be a walking example that someone can overcome something as deadly as heroin.  

I have already beaten it.  I won.  I guess it's up to me to hold onto my victory. Fear invades my brain once again after that thought. However I think that fear might only be an illusion.  An illusion that can be snuffed out with greater things.  

Monday, January 25, 2016

Hope VS. Fear---Is Fear stronger?

Poll On right!  Please comment w/ answer 5. Feel free to comment on ANY opinion!

Babies w/no choice

In rehab I met a woman 9 months pregnant. A heroin user. I always wondered if the baby (she lost to CPS?) would be ok. 

I'd love resources or advice. Could her baby survive a healthy life?? She always said if only I quit sooner he'd be healthy. Is that true? 

This subject has been brought up lot to me and I have no answers. Is a pregnant user going to have a damaged hurting baby no matter what? Does the trimester matter?


If you pray, please do so for her and her son. Thanks!

Victories-Come in Many Shapes & Sizes

Life issues can come at us from different perspectives, no matter what they are. For example, I won $10 on a $2 Lottery ticket. I only won $10 vs. I have $8 more than I did a few minutes ago. 

I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.

Here is that word again.  FEAR.

Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.


Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!

Backtracking an update

The Long gap in the time frames between my posts were present because of my relapses. Writing was something I was able to do for the year or so that I was off the wagon due to my  conciouss effort to journal what was taking place during my using days. Even though I did not publish my thoughts, I did my best to record them frequently. I decided long before the relapse that should I ever use in the future I wanted to be able to reflect on what was going on in my mind, and in my everyday life. I knew I could always type them up and publish them in my future. However if I did not write anything, I woulld certainly not look back, and my memory is certainly not up to par when I fry it daily.

That relapse was May 2014. Since then so mch has happened. Wanna know what?

Rehabs, Rehabs, A-walling, fear, rehabs, boys, unconditional love from mt father.

And the man. Who stole my heart and won't give up.

Next blog...about a boy... will tell this story.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2 sides to every story. (And sometimes more)

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 

So I post the negative things as self awareness and in hope that you who may wanna tackle opiate detox one day may come across something you might not have thought of. 

In my experience, the knowledge, stories, and advice I have recieved from other addicts have helped me far beyond most of the professional help I have sought. b 

Anyways, back to day 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Never Stop Fighting! Please!

A Saturday phone call to my Mother enlisted a reminder of some of the last words my daughter spoke to me as she was being ripped from my arms by CPS.  

"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...

How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....

Somehow we know we can never stop fighting. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Functional Junkie: Revisited

In my post preceding this post called functional junkie, I gave my perspective and opinion as to whether or not a junkie can ever 'really' function while using. I thought I would come and re-write my perspective. It's been a while since I read that post, and I want to put out my thoughts in this secondary post so that I can compare the two and see if there are any similarities or differences in my opinion. 

I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have. 

I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.

 To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning. 

 An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober. 

As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.  

Little Magic Pill

I found myself asking the questions that I have asked for years, how do people quit?  What is the key? Is there a little magic pill?

Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.

Does this mean that  Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.

My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point.  Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict.  OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said. 

I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to. 

There is just so so much more involved in recovery. 

While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.  

If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)