Thursday, June 9, 2016

Letting Cravings Draw on Strength- or Weakness

Today I have thought about using heroin.  A lot.  I guess I could consider it a feat that I am sitting here on a Saturday night writing about it, as opposed to shooting it into my vein.  My shrink told me on Friday that  I should practice feeling all of my feelings, and all the scenarios that come to my thoughts instead of bottling them up inside.  So let me attempt to do surgery on my wayward brain.  

I haven't thought so much as how to get heroin, or let myself get to the point of feening like I used to.  I would describe it more as fleeting thoughts about the 'feeling' that it gives me.  For instance.  I look down and see my veins coming back into my skin. I immediately associate that with a place to put my syringe, and then I think momentarily of the feeling that comes after that shot.  Or better put- the lack of feeling.  The ability that heroin gives me to block out the pain that has come flooding relentlessly back into my heart since I have been sober.  

My daughter.  How I miss her. How I miss everything about her.  How I think if the pain I put her through by not fighting for her.  Then comes the anger. To the people who have made it uncomfortably painful for us to communicate lately. How I want to talk to her and see her everyday.  but somehow in their brains- feeble close minded righteous brains in my opinion- it has been better for her to have no mother at all than to have me.  

I flashback to the courtroom where I lost her. I replay the lies of her father. The lies of her Grandmother. The lies of the government appointed child welfare people who barely knew any of us.  I can't take it back, but if I use again I can't ever get her back.  

I think of my son. Whom I haven't spoken to in years until about 6 weeks ago.  I think of how I miss him.  How I wish I could get both of them to understand what 'really' happened.  Hindsight right?

I think of my fiance. My savior. My rock. the man who literally, physically, and mentally lifted me from the trenches when I was drowning.  Who helped me back onto the ground  and then carried me until I could stand on my own two feet again. How that everyday he makes it a point to make me smile.  For no reason except that he loves me. I have never had that before. I think about how much I love him, and the life I have with him.. The future I dream about having with him.  

I think about the days I used.  Lets refer to them as the dark days.  Where 
I did, saw, and felt things so horrendous I can't even put them into words.  Not even on paper.  The darkest days of my life. 

I think of all of these things and I beg for my thoughts to go somewhere besides that feeling that heroin gave me.  I sit and stare into space hoping thatI won't succumb to it's trickery ever again.  If I ever had a chance to alter the course of my life permanently; it's now.  

I'm set up in a position for my dreams to come true, and to dream new things that I could never fathom with a needle in my arm.  those days I dreamed of dying- of falling asleep and never waking up.  As I bring this to an end I can genuinely say that it feels like freedom. To be able to be a walking example that someone can overcome something as deadly as heroin.  

I have already beaten it.  I won.  I guess it's up to me to hold onto my victory. Fear invades my brain once again after that thought. However I think that fear might only be an illusion.  An illusion that can be snuffed out with greater things.  

Monday, January 25, 2016

Hope VS. Fear---Is Fear stronger?

Poll On right!  Please comment w/ answer 5. Feel free to comment on ANY opinion!

Babies w/no choice

In rehab I met a woman 9 months pregnant. A heroin user. I always wondered if the baby (she lost to CPS?) would be ok. 

I'd love resources or advice. Could her baby survive a healthy life?? She always said if only I quit sooner he'd be healthy. Is that true? 

This subject has been brought up lot to me and I have no answers. Is a pregnant user going to have a damaged hurting baby no matter what? Does the trimester matter?


If you pray, please do so for her and her son. Thanks!

Victories-Come in Many Shapes & Sizes

Life issues can come at us from different perspectives, no matter what they are. For example, I won $10 on a $2 Lottery ticket. I only won $10 vs. I have $8 more than I did a few minutes ago. 

I have been to rehab 3 times since July 2015. Left early all 3 times and regretted it the second I hit the door.

Here is that word again.  FEAR.

Wow, I went to rehab 3 times this year. That's 3 more than last year, I even got 6 weeks off dope outta rehab.


Please reach out if u are in pain. If not to this blog- to someone. Somebody DOES CARE!!!

Backtracking an update

The Long gap in the time frames between my posts were present because of my relapses. Writing was something I was able to do for the year or so that I was off the wagon due to my  conciouss effort to journal what was taking place during my using days. Even though I did not publish my thoughts, I did my best to record them frequently. I decided long before the relapse that should I ever use in the future I wanted to be able to reflect on what was going on in my mind, and in my everyday life. I knew I could always type them up and publish them in my future. However if I did not write anything, I woulld certainly not look back, and my memory is certainly not up to par when I fry it daily.

That relapse was May 2014. Since then so mch has happened. Wanna know what?

Rehabs, Rehabs, A-walling, fear, rehabs, boys, unconditional love from mt father.

And the man. Who stole my heart and won't give up.

Next blog...about a boy... will tell this story.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2 sides to every story. (And sometimes more)

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 

So I post the negative things as self awareness and in hope that you who may wanna tackle opiate detox one day may come across something you might not have thought of. 

In my experience, the knowledge, stories, and advice I have recieved from other addicts have helped me far beyond most of the professional help I have sought. b 

Anyways, back to day 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Never Stop Fighting! Please!

A Saturday phone call to my Mother enlisted a reminder of some of the last words my daughter spoke to me as she was being ripped from my arms by CPS.  

"Mommy, please never never stop fighting for me!, she wailed through her sniffles..arms extended, and nothing I could do. They showed me a warrant...

How a suppressed memory like this can pierce my heart. After so much time....

Somehow we know we can never stop fighting. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Functional Junkie: Revisited

In my post preceding this post called functional junkie, I gave my perspective and opinion as to whether or not a junkie can ever 'really' function while using. I thought I would come and re-write my perspective. It's been a while since I read that post, and I want to put out my thoughts in this secondary post so that I can compare the two and see if there are any similarities or differences in my opinion. 

I do not believe that it is possible to function normally on heroin, ever. Granted, I can only speak from the perspective of a heroin user who's first time included a needle. Having said that, I do not know how different it would have been for me had I snorted or smoked it before ever IV'ing. That is simply a viewpoint I will never have. 

I do believe that when I took pain pills I cold function in everyday life. Meaning I could hold a job, make appointments on time, and was able to accept and fulfill obligations during my pill popping days. So as far as my day to day activity I could operate. However, it was when the dope sickness began to set in, the bank account began to run low, the dealers were all unreachable, or the timing was so that my children would not be any school anymore and I had yet to score for the day. Those situations which were a direct result of my drug abuse, effected my day to day life. It stunted my ability to cope and function.

 To put it simply, I'd be impaired to do anything except score my pills until I scored them. Nothing preceded that. No obligation, job, phone call, appointment, meal needing cooked would come before my fix. Once I bought my pills and the effect started to kick in, life could resume. I did not however like to face any stressful situations that I may have caused due to my obsession with scoring. In most cases I would blatantly avoid any confrontation. Yet another way that the dope (pills) effected my normal functioning. 

 An individual might start out with an ability to function relatively normally from day to day. As a habit worsens, the inevitable happens, and daily life starts to spiral out of control. In my opinion, it IS possible for some people to somewhat function for a short amount of time, but I believe that it is impossible to maintain a healthy lifestyle until one is clean and sober. 

As drug addicts we know that most of who we are and what we do during those treacherous years of drug abuse is a fabricated lie that usually is posed to cover up another fabricated lie. Who are we kidding? The lifestyle of a drug addict boils down to nothing but a facade.  

Little Magic Pill

I found myself asking the questions that I have asked for years, how do people quit?  What is the key? Is there a little magic pill?

Finally a new answer came to light in my perplexed and overwhelmed dope fried brain. 3%. 5%. Less than 10%. These are figures in the past decade representing the people who have successfully kicked their heroin habit. The answer to my question was this: there is no magic pill! No one recovers. Well, 3%-10% recover, and to me that is about as close to no one as a statistic can get. If there was a way, I think it would be published. In fact, Methadone and now Suboxone are posing as what I believe to be answers to these questions. Since the recovery rate is so low, these medications have been developed as the next thing to try. Yes, the addict is still dependent on an opiate (a synthetic opiate if we are referring to Suboxone) but the needle has been put down and heroin is no longer the addiction to deal with.

Does this mean that  Suboxone using ex-heroin addicts are included in the recovery statistic, or in the 'still using' statistic.

My battle/ love affair with opiates has lasted well over a decade at this point.  Long enough to experience the ups and downs of the addiction many times over. Yesterday I read a blog post written by an ex-junkie who claimed that if an addict does not ever gets sober it is because they want to be an addict.  OUCH. That one stung, probably more so than most because it came from an ex-junkie. I immediately jumped on the defensive and thought to myself, "He must be too far removed from using--he forgets where he came from." I didn't even want to read what he said. 

I am glad that I changed my mind and read his post. Although I still hold to my initial judgement that he is far removed from active addiction, I believe his post holds merit. Whether I like his opinion or not, he is in a stage of life that every ex-junkie will hopefully make it to. 10 years clean. To a degree, I agree. Each individual must WANT to live a clean life. I do not however agree that junkies who never recover stay junkies because they want to. 

There is just so so much more involved in recovery. 

While there is yet to be a 'little magic pill', there are indeed recovered heroin addicts to model that recovery IS possible. I know that through my journey I plan to be in the 3%-5% of recovered heroin users. In documenting my journey there may be bits and pieces of a 'magic pill' that someone else can benefit from.  

If anyone stumbles upon a successful magic pill for heroin addicts...please do share. ;)


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Which will kill me first? Loneliness or insomnia?

Let me begin by stressing I hate cliches. We r not cloned robots... however... I put o e. ;)

So....will insomnia or loneliness kill me first before this heroin withdrawing ends?

I say neither cuz I swear I'll beat this mother fuckeR this time.

I have something waiting for my healing. We all do.

I'm relatively sure that the experiences I've had in this short 3 to 4 years isn't for nothing. Cuz every smack junkie I've spoken with has never come close to the Rocky road I've traveled.

Why why why me.?

If there's a God I beg for undeserving mercy.

But on the other hand,thanks for the mad props. God u must think my Influence is capable...

So no matter what I'll never turn my back on a H junkie. Regardless if I ever put the needle down.

I hope when I'm 90 the heroin recovery rTe goes from 3%to75%