If you are on Suboxone or have ever gotten free from it, I'd love your advice, rants, comments, critique. Here is my day 22 journal entry from Suboxone stopping:
http://suboxonestopping.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-22.html
Showing posts with label suboxone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suboxone. Show all posts
Monday, April 21, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
It's Not That Simple
Drug addiction is not a simple problem. We are a world that stereotypes. It's easy to group certain types of people into a box. We can toss drug addicts together in a population of bad people who only care about themselves. How could a we shoot heroin, smoke crack, drop acid, if we loved our family? If we cared about our friends why would we do that to them. Do we not care enough about our own children enough to stay clean?
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
These are all questions I have been asked. I have been publicly accused of caring about nothing but myself and my next fix. Sometimes the rage that cranks through my body when I hear words such as those targeted at me enrage me to the point where I must choose to say nothing in defense of myself. For if I respond in any other way I might lose full control of myself. Consequently, that brands me even more selfish. Now I flat out don't give a damn enough to even justify an answer.
Here is my question. How on earth is that fact that these drug addicts are actual. real people escaping the minds of the perfect? When asked in Elementary School what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not say, "A Junkie!"
I had no idea I was headed down that road. My very first 'addictive' behavior was a simple act of defiance against my mother. She herself was in so much pain that she drank into a stupor night after night. Telling me I was worthless. I'd never amount to anything. I looked like a whore. (at 11 years old) I hurt so badly, all day every day, that I could barely breathe sometimes.
So lighting up a cigarette at 14 while she was passed out downstairs seemed like a way to channel the hurt. All I wanted was to feel. To feel loved. To NOT feel lonely. To make my mother happy. Which as a child I had no idea that was impossible. She didn't not lash out at me because I did anything wrong. If only I had known that then. She DID love me. She DIDNT mean those things. She herself was in PaiN. Would I be different? I love her so much, would I have made her proud?
Would I have gone down the same roads year after year? Hurting then numbing then guilt then hurt myself more to extinguish the guilt? Rinse and repeat. Worse every time.
I am not the only person like this. Every. Single. Addict. Has. A. Story. A story filled with pain and suffering. I'd bet my life that most of us wanted better for ourselves. By the time we were old enough to understand what was happening, our destructive paths were already well on there ways.
Are you this person? Is someone you love this person? Do you need to understand someone like this? Please follow my blog on the right. Subscribe. Follow me on Google. Shoot me an email and comment. I want something good to come from my past, pain, and stories. I want something GREAT to come out of my recovery.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
It's Okay Not To Suffer?
I kinda want to title this one, "IS It Okay Not To Suffer?" I mean, I AM a junkie, right? Getting clean is not supposed to be a walk in the park. We reap what we sow, and junkie life sows nothing but turmoil and garbage.
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Why would I reap anything besides turmoil and garbage if that's who I am?
SCREECH to a HALT!!!
Could this way of thinking be part of what keeps us in the opiate trap for years...decades even? The thinking that has changed nothing. If the 1st rule of becoming different is to actually CHANGE, then we better start treating ourselves better than garbage.
I know...I know... it doesn't feel normal. I know we can tell our brains to at least speak those words. We can drudge through the motions and fake it. (which as junkies we know we can do) Our hearts could eventually catch up.
Such cliche, yes, but that does not make it untrue.
WE all could have a PhD in faking and masking feelings, so faking the good kind is simply a minor alteration. The worst thing that can happen is we do not change at all.
The payoff is we will begin to enjoy living again. For our own sakes.
We are NOT garbage. We ARE worthwhile. We deserve happiness! We will cut ourselves a break!
Junkies: say that out loud... even a whisper, I don't care, just get the words out of your mouth. If I can do it, You can.
Alright. Now the first part is done. It came out of our mouths. So what's next? How do we begin to treat ourselves better than garbage?
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Suboxone: Friend or Foe? Part One
For those of you who are not familiar with Suboxone, it is part of the opioid family. Partly synthetic, it's used for opioid addiction treatment, and sometimes for pain management. Here is a link to Wikipedia if you would like to know more.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buprenorphine
I believe that Suboxone played a crucial part in helping to save my life from continuing on the destructive and suicidal path I was on. If you have read my 'Shot in the Dark, Right at My Throat' post, you heard the mind trap I needed to battle my way out of.
Here are snippets of 3 essential components I believe we need to begin our battle to freedom.
1. A loved one who will commit to unconditionally love and support you through this process unconditionally.
2. A doctor and/or counselor that will monitor your medicine and your mental state very closely.
3. Suboxone
Let me stress the words 'to begin the battle'. as these 3 things alone will not carry us to the point of maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle. I will take each component and break it down in a post of it's own. Nothing is short or simple about recovery.
Advantages of Suboxone:
~Hinders the physical withdrawal symptoms
The horrendous withdrawal off of heroin, Vicodin, and other opiates often paralyzes us in fear. We may want to stop using and continue to use only to satiate the physical need for the drug.
~Blocks the 'high' feeling that other opiates produce. I can tell you firsthand that I tested this theory. Even with the absence of physical pain, my brain continued to tell me it wanted to use. Not only does using opiates while on Suboxone not get you high, but we are further frustrated when we have spent the money, the time, and suffered a relapse for an empty drug.
Disadvantages of Suboxone
~It is still a form of opiate, and you will have withdrawals if you stop taking it abruptly
We might say that moving from opiates to Suboxone is a lateral move if we look at it from the perspective that we will still be physically addicted to opiates.
~If used as a solution to opiate dependents I believe it will fail. Many doctors, including one of my own, treat heroin addicts with suboxone by once a month office visits, writing a new script, and never outlining any further treatment plan. Although we may not get high off of Suboxone, we are still a slave in the opiate trap. What fun is it to be in the opiate trap without the opiate high?
We only touched on the bare basics of the advantages and disadvantages of Suboxone. As we addicts know, nothing about addiction is this simple. We did not become emotion numbing, hurting drug users overnight. I am certain each of our stories once broken down hold many complex and unique situations dabbled over years...decades....a lifetime....
Sincere gratitude to my readers.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buprenorphine
I believe that Suboxone played a crucial part in helping to save my life from continuing on the destructive and suicidal path I was on. If you have read my 'Shot in the Dark, Right at My Throat' post, you heard the mind trap I needed to battle my way out of.
Here are snippets of 3 essential components I believe we need to begin our battle to freedom.
1. A loved one who will commit to unconditionally love and support you through this process unconditionally.
2. A doctor and/or counselor that will monitor your medicine and your mental state very closely.
3. Suboxone
Let me stress the words 'to begin the battle'. as these 3 things alone will not carry us to the point of maintaining a healthy, happy lifestyle. I will take each component and break it down in a post of it's own. Nothing is short or simple about recovery.
Advantages of Suboxone:
~Hinders the physical withdrawal symptoms
The horrendous withdrawal off of heroin, Vicodin, and other opiates often paralyzes us in fear. We may want to stop using and continue to use only to satiate the physical need for the drug.
~Blocks the 'high' feeling that other opiates produce. I can tell you firsthand that I tested this theory. Even with the absence of physical pain, my brain continued to tell me it wanted to use. Not only does using opiates while on Suboxone not get you high, but we are further frustrated when we have spent the money, the time, and suffered a relapse for an empty drug.
Disadvantages of Suboxone
~It is still a form of opiate, and you will have withdrawals if you stop taking it abruptly
We might say that moving from opiates to Suboxone is a lateral move if we look at it from the perspective that we will still be physically addicted to opiates.
~If used as a solution to opiate dependents I believe it will fail. Many doctors, including one of my own, treat heroin addicts with suboxone by once a month office visits, writing a new script, and never outlining any further treatment plan. Although we may not get high off of Suboxone, we are still a slave in the opiate trap. What fun is it to be in the opiate trap without the opiate high?
We only touched on the bare basics of the advantages and disadvantages of Suboxone. As we addicts know, nothing about addiction is this simple. We did not become emotion numbing, hurting drug users overnight. I am certain each of our stories once broken down hold many complex and unique situations dabbled over years...decades....a lifetime....
Sincere gratitude to my readers.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Stopping Suboxone Day 2
Please click the link below to be routed to my Suboxone Stopping Blog!
http://suboxonestopping.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-2-its-start.html
http://suboxonestopping.blogspot.com/2014/04/day-2-its-start.html
Suboxone Taper
I have decided to post my daily suboxone taper journal. If you look on the right hand side of my page and click 'Suboxone Updates'.
I'd love any advice or feedback if you have been through the process.
For those of you inquiring about how it feels to get off Subs- I will be as forthright as possible!
Thanks
I'd love any advice or feedback if you have been through the process.
For those of you inquiring about how it feels to get off Subs- I will be as forthright as possible!
Thanks
Saturday, April 12, 2014
The Who
Welcome. If you have stumbled upon this page perhaps you are interested in the subject of opiates. Now I am not YET a PhD in this field, but I have been trapped in the dark, tumultuous world of drugs for a very long time. Tolerating myself through the sober years and suffering through mind numbing wreckage during times I spent actively using.
If you have tried an opiate, are addicted to opiates, experienced opiate withdrawal or known someone in the opiate trap; we can relate.
Addicted to painkillers for many years, and more recently trading that in for heroin, I've taken many rides on the rickety, unstable, roller coaster of hell. Methadone and Suboxone provided me a way out from black tar heroin. A safety net I will always be grateful for, but most certainly not the end of the road. I am currently on an intensive plan to wean off of Suboxone. I have danced a dance with all the members of the opiate family. I've yet to encounter one who has not let me down.
I know my sharing my story serves a purpose and that my blog needs readers. I'm hopeful those readers direct the hurting opiate addicted human beings to this page. I do not write for hedonistic pleasure, but to be a light for hurting people. My own wreckage can only be salvaged by passing on knowledge and lending an ear who has no judgement to those in the midst of turmoil.
My primary intention is serving the anxious, tormented, and tortured souls stuck in the opiate trap.
I will provide a resource to educate anyone about opiates, physical addiction, mental addiction, and brain chemistry, as well as tangible and practical recovery steps. It is my deepest hope that you and your loved ones will find solace and your own unique and successful direction through my experience.
If you have tried an opiate, are addicted to opiates, experienced opiate withdrawal or known someone in the opiate trap; we can relate.
Addicted to painkillers for many years, and more recently trading that in for heroin, I've taken many rides on the rickety, unstable, roller coaster of hell. Methadone and Suboxone provided me a way out from black tar heroin. A safety net I will always be grateful for, but most certainly not the end of the road. I am currently on an intensive plan to wean off of Suboxone. I have danced a dance with all the members of the opiate family. I've yet to encounter one who has not let me down.
I know my sharing my story serves a purpose and that my blog needs readers. I'm hopeful those readers direct the hurting opiate addicted human beings to this page. I do not write for hedonistic pleasure, but to be a light for hurting people. My own wreckage can only be salvaged by passing on knowledge and lending an ear who has no judgement to those in the midst of turmoil.
My primary intention is serving the anxious, tormented, and tortured souls stuck in the opiate trap.
I will provide a resource to educate anyone about opiates, physical addiction, mental addiction, and brain chemistry, as well as tangible and practical recovery steps. It is my deepest hope that you and your loved ones will find solace and your own unique and successful direction through my experience.
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